Well, we are certainly in the thick, or should I say the thin of summer television programming – you know, that dead zone between season finale cliffhangers and the all new episodes of our returning fall favorites. Some of the lackluster replacement shows attempting to fill the void are just plain criminal.

So far we’ve been “treated” to such stellar fare as “National Bingo Night.” Did somebody call out “O, dear Lord” when this show idea was pitched. How did it even make it on the air? “Watching Paint Dry” can’t be too far behind. Then there is “Pirate Masters,” a blatant rip off of a certain summer blockbuster disguised as a reality show in the hopes of scoring bonanza ratings for CBS. Uh, how’s that working out?

“The Ex-Wives Club” features the ex Mrs. Trump Marla Maples; Angie Everhart, who was married to Ashley Hamilton – you know, George’s kid and the ex Mr. Shannen Doherty – for four whole months; and K-Fed’s go to “pump-and-dump” baby mama, Shar Jackson. They actually dole out “advice” for women going through painful splits while working on an updated version of Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic.” ’Cause, ladies, if you practiced what you preached, you wouldn’t be hosting this show!

And don’t even get me started on E!’s “Sunset Tan.”

Still, there have been some friendly faces among the incredibly bad fray, like Kathy Griffin and her “D List” antics. Those two socialites over on “The Simple Life” are away at prison, er, I mean camp. Hopefully they are filming Paris Hilton in jail for next season. I want to learn how to find God in less than a week! And with a possible jail term hanging over Nicole Richie’s head for DUI, it could be a double feature.

“Big Brother” comes back for more backstabbing and bitchery on July 5.

The “Bad Girls Club” has spun off a new show with three of the original “Girls” hitting the road in search of contestants for the next season.

These shows are all well and good, but I want scripted fare, and I’m not quite sure that Paris and Nicole giving someone an enema and saying “That’s hot” every two-and-a-half seconds quite fits the bill.

And is it just me or do these slim pickings make you, intrepid readers, miss your regularly scheduled programming all that much more? It does for me, and it leaves me asking, in respect to September hurrying up and getting here already: “Are we there yet?”

It’s only been about five weeks since some old and new favorites went on summer hiatus, but it feels like forever. Thursdays at 8 p.m. is completely empty without “Ugly Betty” to keep me amused. I am truly craving a pithy comment that is becoming a staple of Betty’s diet, and I have a sneaking suspicion that friends have long since tired of my impression of Amanda (Becki Newton) saying, “Kids under 12 eat free on Sundays,” from an episode that is now two months old! I need new material, people, and stat!

My double dose of Sunday-night viewing pleasure, the redeemed “Desperate Housewives” and new must-see TV “Brothers and Sisters,” seems twice as empty as all the first-run episodes were watched the first go ’round. And what I wouldn’t give to catch a brand new glimpse of Peter Petrelli’s (Milo Ventimiglia) nice, long… bangs on “Heroes” come Monday nights.

But then another emotion supplants the longing I feel – fear! What if the shows, upon their return in September, fail to maintain the momentum of last season and befall the sophomore slump of “Desperate Housewives?”

I cannot bear the thought, but I luckily have an instant solution to quash those doubts. I am going to be proactive and cast my notes in the suggestion box of the universe. Perhaps it will trickle into the collective subconscious of the Hollywood powers-that-be. Kumbaya!

Here’s a gander at ways to keep the aforementioned shows in tip-top condition:

“Ugly Betty” went the old-school route with its multiple cliffhangers, leaving viewers to ponder the fates of Alexis and Daniel (Rebecca Romijn and Eric Mabius) after a car crash. Christina and Amanda (Ashley Jensen and Newton) were locked in the “love dungeon” at the publication (with the added discovery of Amanda being Fey’s daughter). Henry (Christopher Gorham) went off to Tucson with his most-likely-impregnated-by-another-man girlfriend, Charlie (Jayma Mays). And Santos ( Kevin Alejandro) will more than likely be killed in a hold up at a convenience store. Hey, they could always go the whole “It-was-all-a-dream-Dallas” route and resurrect him à la Bobby Ewing in the shower. And who wouldn’t want to see Santos soaping up?

One pitfall the show definitely wants to avoid is laying all of its cards on the table too quickly (which is what tripped up the second season of “Housewives.”) There have been a few story arcs this season that flew by in the blink of an eye, like when Alexis was going to move out of the country with her lover Rodrigo; she found out way too fast that the scheme to get her out of the lives of the Meade family was concocted by her father, and the suspense could have been milked a tad more.

Along those same lines, “Brothers and Sisters” needs to take a little bit of a chill pill with respect to its pacing. The prime example is Tommy’s wife Julia (Sarah Jane Morris) announcing her pregnancy and then approximately six episodes later she delivers twins – albeit prematurely, but still! There are more than enough characters on the show to keep it going for a while, but it must have something to do with sustaining viewer interest. And in that same vein – can they give Sally Field something to do aside from being in the kitchen or going to a restaurant? She didn’t win two Oscars for nothin’!

“Desperate Housewives” creator Marc Cherry seems to have listened to fans who wanted the women of Wisteria Lane to spend more quality screen time together, and that is the best way to keep the show going, as it is the bond between the main characters that most likely draws a loyal gay audience. You do start to wonder why anyone new would move onto the block with the goings on that have taken place over the past three seasons. But I digress.

Cherry also made good on what were some storyline promises that were to transpire during Season 2, like Edie’s son coming to visit. Speaking of Edie, in the cliffhanger it looks as if she is very well hung – I mean that she has hung herself. But I don’t think she’s dead, as she appears to have hung herself with a scarf, and those are kinda flimsy. So, we shall see on that one.

I only have a brief bit of advice for “Heroes,” as that show has great pacing, answering mysteries during the season and not dragging itself out like “Lost” does: No more three-month breaks! Other than that first season glitch, “Heroes” is doing a bang-up (mmm, Peter Petrelli) job of keeping us entertained.

Hopefully the universe is kind in response to these mere suggestions, so that these shows, which hold such promise for keeping us entertained for many Septembers to come, can keep doing just that. Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print.