Editor’s note: Fictitious names are used in this article in order to protect the integrity of the relationships of the four couples interviewed. This decision was reached by the couples for a variety of reasons, including protecting one another’s families, and as a comfort zone for allowing for a fuller and more open discussion about the issues they face.

Heading into the restaurant for your third date with the guy you met and seem to have developed a connection with can bring a plethora of emotions. From the butterflies in the stomach that come with the thought of, “Will we kiss each other goodnight tonight?” to the fears and nervousness of saying and doing the right thing.

It’s what Dan calls the “Bridget Jones moments.” Dan and Mark met seven years ago. Dan is HIV positive. Mark is HIV negative.

Dan entered the restaurant wondering if he had waited too long to disclose his status. Feelings of rejection and fear overwhelmed him. Mark entered the restaurant with the same fears and rejection issues, but for a completely different reason. Mark is a cancer patient.

Serendipitously, both had decided – independently – that their health status would have to come up in conversation that night.

The appetizers came as small talk about the last few days was exchanged. Mark says he knew something was wrong the moment the main entrées arrived and Dan placed his silverware down on the table, folded his hands and said, “There is something I need to tell you. I’m positive.”

Mark says he did the only thing he knew to do and took Dan’s hands into his own and said, “There’s something I need to tell you. I’m a cancer patient.”

Neither could recall the next few minutes, as thoughts and feelings rushed through their heads and hearts. Finally, Mark said, “Yes, but you can’t give me cancer.”

The term “serodiscordant couples” is the most commonly used term in research and formal settings. Many have argued, however, that by using “discordant,” which is generally defined as “being devoid of harmony or agreement,” there is an automatic assumption that the relationship itself by definition lacks harmony.

The term “sero-opposite couples” is the most commonly used term in group therapy and among those who deal with these couples more intimately. Both Carlos Morales, who heads up The Center’s new workshop cycle and group sessions for couples of differing HIV status called “Opposites Attract,” and Michael Vigorito, a marriage and family therapist, will argue that this is the most appropriate term and the most widely used within the GLBT community.

The term “magnetic couples” can be frequently heard within the subculture of mixed-status couples, and is generally used as a celebration of mutual support within the partnership. It is also used as an affirmation that both partners experience an equal number of anxieties and fears, and yet overcome those through a combination of love, open dialogue and negotiation.

“Every couple has its problems,” says Morales. “And I mean every couple, regardless of their HIV status. There may be family issues, work issues, sexual desire differences, denial on some level in some area of one or the other’s lives. Somehow, though, these issues become highlighted when the issue of differing HIV status is in the picture.”

Simply put, says Morales, it’s an extra stress and sometimes the scapegoat.

“The goals of every relationship should be open communication, healthy trust, sexual intimacy and satisfaction, feeling completely embraced and loved,” explains Morales. “And when you are talking about sero-opposite couples, these issues are huge.”

Steve and Carl met 12 years ago and immediately fell in love. Steve, who was HIV positive at the time they met, chose not to disclose his status to Carl.

“I guess I thought that if he fell in love with me as a person, that that would override any fear he might have about HIV or transmission,” says Steve. “I had been burned so many times. You have no idea how many times I would go on a date with someone and everything would be going perfectly fine. We would head back to my place to have sex, and before I have sex with anyone I disclose my status. I would say that nine times out of 10, the person would just turn and leave. The rejection was devastating.”

There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to knowing when to disclose one’s status, argues Vigorito.

Vigorito explains it this way: “Falling in love is an emotional experience, one where you are attracted to someone, and you move forward. Disclosure is an intellectual decision. I would liken it to coming out as a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender individual. Everybody has to do it at their own pace. It truly is a case-by-case basis. You are likely to do it sooner or later. Whether you choose to do it sooner or later is a deeply personal decision.”

According to Michael Mancilla, author of Tell and Kiss: Dating and Disclosure, for many, disclosing their HIV status is even scarier than disclosing their sexual orientation, and may be a paralyzing experience.

“The biggest and first hurdle you will encounter when you are positive and dating is how people will react when they find out the news,” writes Mancilla. “Disclosure can play itself out in a variety of ways. You can share your status before you meet your date in person, such as over the Internet, or in a print personal ad; after a few preliminary dates when you know you’d like to pursue the relationship further; or the least preferred, after your date finds out on their own and consequently feels deceived and taken advantage of.”

In a study by researcher Daniel Schnell, “Men’s Disclosure of HIV Test Results to Male Primary Sex Partners,” 82 percent of the HIV-positive men who revealed their status to their partner “reported that the relationship remained as strong as ever after six months.” On the other hand, “most of the men who did not reveal their test results to their main partner reported “being single after six months.”

For Steve and Carl, it was later rather than sooner, but not too late. By the time Steve told Carl, Carl had already fallen deeply in love with Steve. One night he suggested that they go get tested and agree to a monogamous relationship, so that they could stop using condoms and other forms of safe sex. Carl had always wanted what he calls an “au naturale” physical intimacy with a partner. Steve said he couldn’t wait any longer. He sat Carl down and said, “I don’t need to be tested. I already know I am positive.”

Carl says he felt he had no choice but to accept it and say, “That’s OK. We just have to work with that.”

Steve’s anxiety, which had been extremely high as he waited for the right moment to tell Carl, and waited in fear for the reaction, began to lessen. Carl, on the other hand, says his mind raced for days playing back what physical intimacies they had shared, and the fear and anxiety of transmission was very real for him.

“This is not uncommon,” says Vigorito. “As the positive partner’s anxiety decreases because he hasn’t been rejected, the negative partner’s anxiety increases because now he or she has to be cognizant of yet another complex component.”

What is known, explains Morales, is that there are certain adjustments that have to be made once partners disclose their status and find that one or both is HIV positive.

“Take, for example, extended family,” says Morales. “How does a partner who is HIV-negative know whether to share with their family their partner’s status? There is, of course, no right or wrong answer to that. Disclosure to family and friends is based on when and where you are in your own comfort levels, as much as it is in the degree of understanding, commitment and education about HIV of those to whom one might consider disclosure.”

One may have a partner who is HIV positive, explains Morales, and based on your experience of your family and friends, if they are well-educated on the topic and support HIV causes, you may feel comfortable or ready to tell the family that your boyfriend is HIV positive.

“But remember that in some cases,” says Vigorito, “just coming out to your family as being gay yourself was traumatic enough.”

Carl, who grew up in Nebraska, says he thought he would never be able to tell his parents that Steve is HIV positive. But then the realities hit. Even though in their initial years together Steve showed no outward symptoms of HIV, as the years progressed Steve would frequently be in the hospital. Naturally, his parents and brother would be concerned for Steve.

Finally, Carl felt he had no choice but to tell his family. Before he did so, though, he and Steve sat down and discussed how it would happen and the possible outcomes. At first, Carl’s family felt betrayed by their own son – that he had kept a secret like that for so long. And then there was the anger at Steve and the fear of transmission.

Carl remembers his mother saying, “I saw that movie Philadelphia [with Tom Hanks and Antonio Banderas] and I remember one of the big questions was, ‘did he [Hanks’ character] infect the other guy [his partner, Banderas’ character].’”

“Naturally then, the first minute my mom had me alone she asked if I had AIDS,” recalls Carl. “I sat her down and explained that Steve doesn’t have AIDS, but that he has HIV, and with today’s medication, it is more of a chronic illness than a death sentence.”

But, as Mark explains, while cancer and HIV may both seem like chronic illnesses, there is one fundamental difference.

“No one ever asks me how I got cancer,” says Mark.

“Comparing cancer and HIV on some level can make sense,” says Vigorito. “There are similarities around the emotional concerns, potential attachment, the medical treatment issues, perhaps one partner dying before you, and internal debates about how much connected can I allow myself to be to this person.”

However, one should not lose sight to fundamental differences, argues Vigorito: transmission and social attitudes around HIV conversion and contraction.

Morales agrees, “Beyond the obvious difference of society’s idea of shame, the difference between HIV and many other chronic illnesses is the issue of responsibility in terms of transmission, and all of the anxiety around that responsibility. But let me be clear on one thing. The responsibility of avoiding transmission lies in both partners.”

Jose and Juan both grew up in strong Latino families, where, as Jose puts it, everyone is your cousin, and everyone knows your business.

When they met two years ago, Jose and Juan both believed themselves to be negative. Simply put, they had not been tested in some time, but believed that they had not engaged in any high-risk behavior that would put them at risk for sero-conversion, that is, contracting HIV.

Jose and Juan entered their relationship with the explicit understanding that both were negative. About nine months into their relationship, Jose became ill and couldn’t shake a cold.

“I finally went to the doctor and he told me I was HIV positive,” recalls Jose. “I was furious. I was ready to rip Juan’s head off for lying to me about his status and putting me at risk. When Juan got home that night, I laid into him about how dare he tell me he was negative when he was positive, and I screamed and yelled and blamed him for giving me this disease.”

As it turns out, Juan is HIV negative. Because Jose had not been tested in over three years, he had no idea he was positive. As Juan says, “Then it was my turn. I wanted to know who he had been whoring around with and how dare he try to blame me when the fact was that he was probably out having sex with people and somewhere along the way got the prized trophy [HIV].”

Needless to say, recalls Jose, it was an intense week. “The good news,” says Jose, “is that we are now two of the most active ‘Act Up! Get Tested!’ advocates in San Diego. I guess we tried to make lemonade when we were handed lemons.” But Juan is quick to point out that there are still some sour days.

Morales, in referring to Banderas’ role in Philadelphia, says he understands Jose and Juan’s reactions. “Here you are watching a movie where Tom Hanks’ character is dying quickly of AIDS, and the HIV-negative partner is standing there by his side, projecting this image of being strong for his partner, wanting to be present for him here: in his mind, heart and body. As a Latino man, I see that movie and think, no way would anyone be that calm and collected. I think they would be more like, ‘Excuse me? You were doing what in that theater?’”

For Steve and Carl, seeking therapy has been one of their primary outlets for help. And one thing they both agree on is that negotiation is the key to their relationship.

“I had to really research what it meant to be HIV positive when Steve told me was positive,” explains Carl. “In my fantasy world, there was this idea that we would own a house in Hillcrest, an SUV, have two car seats and be PTA dads. My world changed when Steve told me he was positive.”

And one of the biggest changes for Carl was his sexual practices.

“I know they talk a lot about negotiation and safe, sane and consensual sex in the leather community,” says Carl, “but here we are, just this average Tommy Hilfiger gay couple, and we had to begin these whole new types of discussions and educational journeys about what safe sex really means when you’re in a sero-opposite relationship.”

For Carl, it wasn’t so much the “what” to negotiate, but rather the “how” to negotiate while keeping things intimate. Carl and Steve have found that in their negotiations, whether they take place in the heat of an intimate moment or over a cup of coffee in the morning, has actually strengthened their relationship because it has an inherent byproduct of open communication and facilitates dialogue about intimacy.

Jesus and Ivan have been together for nearly six years now. They met online and before Jesus would even meet Ivan for coffee, he made it clear that he was HIV positive. Like Steve, he had felt the bitter cold rejection at the moment of intimacy when he disclosed and the other person couldn’t handle it and walked away.

“Ivan immediately said, ‘This doesn’t matter to me. I am totally comfortable with you being HIV positive,’” recalls Jesus. “I thought, man, this is awesome. Here is this guy who totally is at peace with himself enough to be in a relationship and make this a non-issue.”

“Boy was I fooling myself,” says Ivan. “I really had no idea what being HIV positive meant. I just thought it would mean we always had to wear a condom, making sure I didn’t brush or floss right before oral sex, and that he might get a cold every so often. But just opening his medicine cabinet was a reality check.”

Vigorito says it is not uncommon for the HIV-negative partner to want to give an absolute assurance that it is a non-issue. The problem, though, argues Vigorito, is that the HIV-negative partner really doesn’t always understand the issues that the HIV-positive person faces.

“The first thing I do is send my couples out to get information,” explains Vigorito. “And the best way I think couples can deal with this is for the HIV-positive partner to bring his partner to his doctor’s appointments.”

And Vigorito doesn’t mean for moral support to sit out in the waiting room.

“I think it is paramount that the HIV-negative partner hear the critical medical discussions that go along with being HIV positive,” avers Vigorito.

Morales agrees. “The more educated the HIV-negative partner is, the more involved in the care and process, the more perceptions change, the healthier the relationship.”

But as much as one listens to the doctors, the HIV-negative partner has to be ready to deal with illnesses as they come and go, and a lot of time, says Vigorito, it is also about how the HIV-positive person wants to handle it – and not just listening but actively hearing and understanding.

“It’s about boundary crossing,” explains Vigorito. “It’s about knowing that there will be questions, concerns, anger, disappointment. But it is also about knowing at what level and how both partners feel they need to be involved in that process during an illness period. Does the HIV-positive person simply require a quiet space during that time, or does he or she need the medications refilled?”

Ivan found out that as time progressed, he experienced highs and lows with his absolute of “this is non-issue for me.”

“As men, we have indoctrinated that we are not the communicative mammal,” explains Morales. “We have allowed society to pressure us to express one emotion: aggression. And through that one emotion we channel all of our emotions. Fear comes from anger. We have limited tools, and expressions of painful emotions are not easy for us. It is very understandable that the HIV-negative partner will go through phases of total acceptance and anxiety without ever communicating that. This can be very unhealthy for the relationship.”

For example, Morales points to the better medications on the market, or the HIV-positive partner returning to school to study for a career of their dreams, making a lot of money and even putting some aside for retirement.

“I would sometimes think: here is my partner, Jesus, asking me if I really want to go through with this. Making sure that I understood that there was a chance I would watch his body be ravished by the disease if something goes wrong,” explains Ivan. “And I kept saying yes. But then there were days when I would go off to work while he lay home ill on disability, and feel guilty that I wasn’t there at his side.”

There are other questions that haunt Ivan, such as how long can he trust Jesus’ medications? What about these latest strains? Will Jesus develop a resistance to the medication? What about healthcare? What if I lose my job and he no longer has healthcare? What about our future financially when I know we have to put aside money for the medications?

“I sometimes feel guilty or get frustrated because he thinks I should have no worries,” says Ivan. “But I do worry. About him. About me. About us. He once said to me, ‘You will never know what it is like to have this disease. It is with you 100 percent of the time.’ Well, I said, guess what, Jesus, it may not be in my body, but it’s on my mind 100 percent of the time.”

It is questions like these that can shake Ivan’s foundation.

On the flipside, Jesus says he has his own questions. Will Ivan be strong enough to go through this with me in the darkest time? Does Ivan know that when I say I don’t want to go out to dinner it’s because I am not feeling well, and not because I don’t want to be social, but I am too afraid to tell him I am not feeling well for fear he will worry?

“Essentially,” says Vigorito, “you have to have a contract to agree to disagree, and to keep open communication at all costs. You can have all the best intentions in the world, but if you sabotage the communication channel by dancing around the issues, you have done the antithesis of what you want, which is foster passion and intimacy. Instead, consider, how does the partner want to be supported, be they the positive or the negative one? In this implied opportunity to connect on a more intimate level comes vulnerability, rescue, defense. Both partners need to hear and understand and empathize with the plights of the other.”

For Morales, a comparison with interracial couples is helpful. “You are never going to make everyone fully understand the cultural or personal issues that the other partner is facing.”

With all of these challenges, one may wonder why even bother at all to work so hard to sustain and grow a relationship with a sero-opposite partner. After all, most people don’t even like to talk about HIV, let alone sero-opposite issues.

But for Vigorito, the issue is clear. “It simply goes back to the generic issue of a relationship, of two men or two women or a man and woman attempting to be intimate. Expressing and exposing through conversations. Experiencing intimacy though the heart, mind and body.”

“It is said that during a crisis, the human spirit experiences one of two options, fight or flight,” says Steve. “I am so glad that Carl found a third option: to fight and soar.”

And so are Dan and Mark, Jose and Juan, Jesus and Ivan, and likely thousands of other sero-opposite – magnetic – couples out there. For more information about services designed to support sero-opposite couples and the support group “Opposites Attract”, contact Carlos Morales at (619) 260-6380 ext. 116.