Dame Edna Everage is probably the most popular and gifted woman in the world today.

The widely loved international homemaker, talk show host, gigastar, fashion icon, swami and sought-after friend to the rich, famous and royal, is making her return to the United States at the Civic Theatre next month, with what she describes as her “First Last Tour.”

Whether touring in her native Australia or in her beloved United States – “America is the best kept secret in the world, Possums” – she gives and gives and gives. Never have Americans needed to laugh, cry and give standing ovations as much as they do today. Her compassion is legendary, and her stage offerings possess a unique “edge,” due to the fact that she doesn’t need the money. Dame Edna’s inspiring publications have been placed in the nightstands of hotel rooms across the world.

A true mother indeed, this is to be a “First Last Tour” because Dame Edna has decided to devote more quality time to her seriously dysfunctional family, which includes her gay son Kenny, whom she says likely subscribes to the Gay & Lesbian Times. The jewels she will be wearing, her famous face furniture and her glorious gowns are all made from organic materials, and very few animals have been significantly hurt in their making.

The Dame’s stage success is unparalleled – so much so that the royal satirist does not do interviews for publications. They do, you see, get in the way of speaking directly with her legions of fans, those loyal subjects known as her “Possums.” On the rare occasion that she finds someone engaging, she might sit for a conversation.

As it turns out, Dame Edna, overcoming a sore throat and a bit of a chill, was feeling benevolent recently for Mother’s Day and sat for a conversation with Gay & Lesbian Times contributing writer, Brian van de Mark. These passages are from that conversation, not from citations from an interview… Because, again, Dame Edna Everage, does not do interviews!

Dame Edna: Hello, Brian. Oh, this endless tour. It’s been quite an extraordinary thing, you know. Forgive me if I am a big croaky, but I have been singing all morning and I’m a bit croaky from all of that. But I think I am ready for my public. It is a strange story, you know. Ten years ago, in London, I never thought I would have an audience. But I have, haven’t I? And for many years now. I did a show in which I think I overreached myself. I wrote a musical. And it was far too expensive, and it involved other people, which is a big mistake for an independent artiste like me. And I decided it was time to make an extraordinary change in my life, so I called Joan Rivers. You know, Joan, right Brian?

Brian van de Mark for the Gay & Lesbian Times: I know of her, but she isn’t one of my Facebook friends.

DAME EDNA: She’s a little old lady and she’s wonderful. And she said, “Go to America.” And I said, “I don’t have an audience there.” She said, “You do. There’s an underground interest. People have seen cable shows.” So, I booked a theater on her suggestion in San Francisco for two weeks, thinking I’ll get the village people, or their mothers and aunties! Instead, that show ran for four months. I went to New York. I won the Tony, and the rest of my life has changed. Quite late in life – or late in middle age – I have found a wonderful audience in your country.

After a trip to London and Switzerland… . Well, I think everyone needs to go to Europe. You need that injection. But you know that, having lived there. But the next stop is your city, in June. At the Civic, which I believe is beautiful.

GLT: Indeed, it is. But let me move a bit further East. When I was in Hong Kong for New Years in 1990-1991, I went to buy tickets to see the St. Petersburg Ballet’s Swan Lake. They were sold out, so I went back to our condemned youth hostel and had take-out Chinese. I turned on the television and there you were. Extraordinary, hilarious. I had no idea, of course, who you were, but the show was captivating. Even the roaches in the building were suddenly transfixed upon the screen.

DEE: Goodness! As you know, I’ve been going to Hong Kong on and off for many years. I did a cabaret in the early ’70s. That’s a long time ago, Brian. I think it’s because I have a beautiful energy, really. And it’s a healing energy. I haven’t thought of a proper name for my show. I am thinking about calling it my stimulus package. Because I am bringing a stimulus package to America. And I think you need me more than ever before. Vitamin E for Edna. And you know, I had last year, well, this tour was postponed, because I had an appendix burst, and I had been walking around with this horrible pain, little knowing that I was dying. I had to expensively cancel the tour, which I’ve never done in my life, but it gives you a perspective. With you, and your cancer, it gives you a different perspective. Your values change, don’t they?

GLT: They do. Yes, of course. I find myself just a little more irreverent and a little more appreciative at the same time.

DEE: And also, you tend to value things much more. Just simple joys. Now, let’s talk about San Diego. I’ve never been to San Diego. I’ve never seen the city before. I’ve always wanted to.

GLT: It is nicknamed “America’s Finest City.” You’re in for a treat. We really don’t have weather casters on news it is more like Ground Hog Day, where we just play the tape from the day before as our weather tends to be even, consistent. It’s almost always around the ’60s and ’70s.

DEE: Oh, dear. Does that get a bit boring?

GLT: For a Midwestern farm boy like me, yes it used to. But it’s a boredom that is quickly overcome.

DEE: I am looking forward to San Diego. Are there beggars?

GLT: Yes.

DEE: Oh, dear.

GLT: But they’re well-mannered beggars. They’re all the teachers who just got laid off because of budget cuts, so at the very least they have proper grammar and will tell you if your shoes are not tied.

DEE: Well, I am a big fan of America, but I feel a bit sorry for your new president, inheriting such a mess. The Obamas, aren’t they something?

GLT: Yes, they are. Now the First Lady recently made headlines for hugging the Queen [of England]. Have you ever hugged the Queen?

DEE: I stay with the Queen when I am in London, so we’re very… well, we hug a lot, frankly.

GLT: Do you spoon?

DEE: No, we don’t, but that’s a lovely old word, spoon, isn’t it? But, no we don’t, we just hug a bit, and she enjoys her intimacy with me.

GLT: Let’s talk about MAC cosmetics.

DEE: That was a miracle, really. To have my skin, Brian, chosen above the women, all those women, it was move over Catherine Denouve; it was move over Isabella Rosellini, and Liz Hurley. My skin chosen by this very cool company. And I had so much fun naming, of course, these cosmetics. I named them, of course, as you know. Kanga-Rouge was the one I most proud of. And I demonstrated Kanga-Rouge on the Leno show with little Kate Winslet. I showed how the lipstick comes out of its little tube inspired by a kangaroo in spring time. That’s lovely. A marsupial metaphor, really.

GLT: I know you’ve given good advice for [Alaska Governor and former Republican vice presidential candidate] Sarah Palin

DEE: Well, she is a woman I would rather not even think about, frankly. My best advice for her was to go back to her igloo. It gives me the creeps to even think about that family. And what a terrible name for a daughter, too. To name her after an English seaport.

GLT: Her water will break soon enough.

DEE: I suppose so, won’t it? Her own little tsunami. What will the child be called?

GLT: I think it should be called Tsunami!

DEE: Oh, Brian, that’s precious. Yes, we should, yes, we should call the baby Tsunami. It would fit right in with all those other names, like Bristol, a good old English seaport.

GLT: Now, aside from duct tape, is there anything you would recommend for the Palin clan for face furniture?

DEE: Face furniture, yes, well, I think my own style would suit her better, really. But I think she’s given face furniture a bad name, really. If you look through those lenses, those eyes, there’s nothing there, frankly. No one at home. And she’s given ambition a bad name, really. And, of course, it’s a silly choice on behalf of that lovely man [Arizona Senator and former Republican presidential candidate John McCain] who ran. Poor little Mr. McCain, a foolish choice.

GLT: Speaking of races, have you seen any of RuPaul’s show [The Great Drag Race]?

DEE: I thought that was a very charming show, and he’s done cosmetics, too. He’s lovely. I think cosmetic companies were very wise to choose a proper lady. You know, a woman, for their promotions. I was very proud to be one of the women they proposed.

GLT: Would you ever consider doing a show, a royalty show?

DEE: No, I don’t think so; I love what I do. Now, I know you’ve seen me before. Are you coming to see me when I am in San Diego?

GLT: Yes, my husband and I will be coming to see you.

DEE: Congratulations! Your husband. It’s not going to be annulled, I hope. When you go to California, people don’t talk about anything else. But there are some people who don’t want to get married. People who want to live together, without going through this, well, conservative ritual, this traditional ceremony. Old fashioned, really. And conformist. What about gay divorces?

GLT: Beyond Liza Minelli’s ex? There is a possibility that there will be an initiative on the ballot that bans divorce in order to protect the sanctity of marriage. It’s satire, really, but it’s set to make a statement.

DEE: Well, America is a very conservative country, really. You know this, having lived in Europe and Asia. Those founding Pilgrim fathers are still in charge. And so much of what is original or creative is a rebellion against that. But it is still dominated by conservative influence. Are there any people in your community who have two husbands?

GLT: Well, I’m thinking about it! Mine’s never home; he’s the editor of this newspaper!

DEE: I must get a copy of it, because I believe it’s quite a superior publication. Years ago I met Mr. [Harvey] Milk. He came to one of my shows. And then I am a very, very good friend of Mr. [Amistad] Maupin. I spend time with him when ever I am in San Francisco. So, I’ve got a little connection with your community. My son, Kenny, I think subscribes to your newspaper. Now, you work at the Art Institute of California in San Diego in the Fashion Department, don’t you? Fashion interests me so much because I have been helping very much the British royal family in their clothes. It’s a lost battle. I do the best I can.

GLT: Especially in this economy. Speaking of the economy, did you know they are starting to sell tickets to performances on lay-away plans and financing?

DEE: I hope my prices are not too high. Well, I think we have to do everything we can. It’s an investment in the spiritual enrichment. And do you know I do a guarantee? I guarantee that if you do not laugh uproariously at least once every 30 seconds, you can apply for a refund.

GLT: Who reviews the refunds?

DEE: Well, now, it takes a few years to review them. This is unusual. We guarantee that you can apply for a refund. No other show does that.

GLT: Speaking of inane processes – no offense to your refund process, of course – do you miss [former President] George W [Bush]?

DEE: You know, I’ve almost forgotten about him. It’s a terrible thing. There he is, probably playing golf or doing something inane and feeling pleased for himself that he’s left such a mess for poor little Barack. But it’s a black mark on the intelligence of the American people that they elected, and re-elected, Georgie. I would have thought the system was one that refines its high achievement. That finally, the top brain, the top person, gets the job. But no, it’s the one with the most money.

GLT: Have you ever considered doing a show at the Guantanamo facility?

DEE: Well, I think it might be a good idea. Do they have people doing shows there? Well, you can announce that I am hoping to be invited – consider this a scoop, Brian – you can announce that I am hoping to be invited to do a show. And what a video it would be: “Dame Edna at Guantanamo Bay.”

GLT: I think it would bring a sense of healing.

DEE: Well, it needs it doesn’t it? What a black mark. It’s really like Auschwitz or something. You know, I notice things on stage, and I don’t buy into this political correctness. I call things and people what they are according to my own perception. Gasps from the audience, shock, horror. Now listen. I am an Australian. If you call me an Aussie, you would be using a diminutive. Would I be offended? If you were Japanese, could I call you a Jap? If you were American, could I call you a Yank?

GLT: Yes, I can imagine some would take offense to those terms, because they have been historically used in a disempowering way.

DEE: But not to a sensible person. I wouldn’t have thought disempowering. How touchy can you be? America has become almost a laughing stock with its political correctness and people not being able to describe things. I had a big run-in with that horrible woman, Selma Hayak. She’s a Lebo, you know. She’s half Lebo, and half Mexican. And I wrote a column for Vanity Fair, where I answered readers’ questions, and there was a question, “Dear Dame Edna: I am thinking about learning Spanish. Is that a good idea?” And I said, “Why would you want to learn Spanish? Who would you talk to? Your maid? Your leaf blower? I believe there is some great literature, Cervantes, Locker. Otherwise, learn a language you can use.” In short, I was being what’s called satirical. I was suggesting, of course, that there is an underclass in America of Hispanic slaves and anyone educated or intelligent would recognize that. But, Selma, who had been on the cover of that issue, read it and saw it as a slight to Hispanic people because she has zero sense of humor. The trouble! And I was fired by Vanity Fair for insulting the Hispanic people, or, to use your term, disempowering them. Can you imagine that?

The fact is, touchiness is not a nice characteristic. Americans produce fantastic comedy, some of the best. Take “Frazier,” just plucking one out of the air. When I was in the hospital with my appendix, I watched about 5,000 episodes. It was witty, intelligent and terribly disempowering to the many subjects of its satire.

GLT: Well, I think you should be saving your voice, so we should wind it down, and I do look forward to the show.

DEE: True, true. Before opening, Bri-Bri – and may I call you Bri-Bri? I would like you to take me to the Melting Pot to get the low down on the San Diego scene.

GLT: First, you may call me whatever you like, and you would not be alone in calling me Bri-Bri, but you would be in the company of a small group of people. Second, I am sure the people at Melting Pot would enjoy it tremendously, since we eat there once or twice a week. But I have to ask, how do you know all of this about me? It’s rather spooky, frankly.

DEE: Well, I do try to pay my certain people a compliment of learning about them, and I have been following your career for some time, Bri-Bri.

GLT: That’s sort of a reverse paparazzi stalking, isn’t it?

DEE: Yes, that’s exactly it! I’m a reverse stalker. I love it! That’s me! See you in June, Bri-Bri! Lots of love!

When: June 2-7, 2009

Where: San Diego Civic Theatre, 3rd and B St., Downtown San Diego

Performance Times: Tuesday and Wednesday at 7 p.m., Thursday at 7:30 p.m., Friday at 8 p.m.

Saturday at 2 p.m. and 8 p.m., Sunday at 1 p.m. (There is no Sunday evening performance)

Tickets: $18 to $71

Ticket Purchase: Civic Theatre Ticket Office 619-570-1100 Ticketmaster 619-220-TIXS

Group Discounts 619-564-3001Theatre Address: 3rd and B St., 1100 Third Ave.

Website: www.broadwaysd.com