Summer viewing is upon us – all of the shows have capped off their seasons with cliffhangers that will have us chomping at the bit for another few months. Is Rex really dead on “Desperate Housewives”? Rule number one in Soap Opera 101: If they don’t show a corpse, then he ain’t stiff – I mean a stiff. Just what the hell is in the hatch on “Lost”? And why did it take two hours to get nothing but the shaft?

What am I going to do? It’s the worst mess ever – the worst – because September is a long way off! The remote control lays cold in my right hand; rigor mortis is setting in. I am in a state of flux, unsure of where to aim its steely red eye. I suppose I could (gulp) go (double gulp) outside. Yeah right! I guess I should make the best of it, indulging in my favorite pastime (guilty pleasure viewing) and seeing what the landscape of summer TV has to offer.

I happen upon VH-1, and that’s always good for some sort of clip show. Perhaps the two thousandth viewing of any of the “I Love the…” shows, or a nice “Awesomely Bad” episode will tide me over. But wait, there’s more! On the screen, there is a hot young man gyrating to Christina Aguilera’s “Come on Over” – well, if you insist! “Strip Search” corrals enough sides of beef, and other shank portions, to satiate even the most hungry of viewers. Contestants from all across the country first have to do an impromptu take-it-off dance session for hosts Billy Cross and Rachel Perry. Then, if picked, they get to move into a house in L.A. with all of the other shakin’-their-ass-for-cash hopefuls. And, if they can survive dance training, choreography – and for some, bulking up or slimming down (sounds vaguely like the day-to-day routine of most gay men, if you ask me) – then it’s off to be a stripper… I mean male exotic dancer at “The Thunder from Down Under Review” in Las Vegas. So far, it’s been stiff competition, and the tension is riding as high as the boys’ thongs. Strip Search” airs Thursdays at 10:00 p.m.

Jerry Hall is parlaying her notoriety as both the former Mrs. Mick Jagger and her onstage role as Mrs. Robinson, to find a young man who wants to be “Kept.” Twelve contestants vie for the one-time Texan supermodel’s good graces. Speaking of the goods… in the second episode, the would-be suitors had to work the runway, sweetie! Of course they had to parade around in their skivvies, leaving one hopeful to comment, “I look like I’m hung like a light switch.” Which left me to wonder if that was in the up or down position, and was a good reminder to conserve energy during the summer months. “Kept” airs Thursdays at 9:00 p.m.

There’s a new batch of “celebrities” set to shack up together on “The Surreal Life 5.” There’s Jose Conseco, of baseball and steroid controversy fame (please don’t show him in a Speedo poolside; nobody wants to see the raisins he’s smuggling in his drawers!); the ever humble Janice Dickinson, the self proclaimed “oldest, I mean first, supermodel” (can’t wait to see how she reacts to the other cast mates); Omarosa from “The Apprentice” (14 minutes down, one more to go); Sandi Denton, a.k.a. Pepa of Salt N Pepa fame (insert your own snarky comment here; I love me some SNP); Bronson Pinchot, not a “Perfect Stranger” to strange bedfellows (is it wrong that I was glad they will finally have a gay “Lifer”? Oh, it’s not confirmed that he’s family? Umm, OK.); Caprice, a U.K. glamour model; and Corey Hart, the motocross star (damn, I was hoping for the ’80s pop star who favored wearing his sunglasses at night). Starts July 10.

More than likely, we’ll be seeing the latter Hart on NBC’s “Hit Me Baby One More Time.” I’m hoping that’s an open invitation from the show’s host, Vernon Kay. With his penchant for yelling (dude, you have a microphone!) he comes off sounding like the Scottish version of Robin Leach. He’s all Bay City Roller haircut and teeth that would make Hilary Swank say, “Damn that’s some set of choppers.” In fewer words, he’s just annoying. But I muddle through to see some ’80s performers, like Tiffany or The Motels, break out their hits, and to put their own spin on a newer hit. I am praying they nab Toni Basil to perform “Mickey” and then “Hollaback Girl.”

In a way it’s like a high school reunion, catching up with people you “knew” back then. Secretly, it’s as much of a guilty pleasure as it is a great chance to see who got bald, fat, or hasn’t changed a bit. In short order that would be: Mike Score of Flock of Seagulls (sporting a baseball hat and ponytail, but not the traditional sky-high hair); Mike Reno of Loverboy (there were five original members of the group, and only three on stage – did Reno eat the other two?); and Doug Fieger of The Knack (he still has the Prince Valiant haircut and looks eerily the same). Airs Thursdays at 9:00 p.m.

A show that had slipped under my radar was “MXC” (Most Extreme Challenge), a game show from Japan, dubbed entirely and hilariously in English. Contestants have to brave such challenges as Sinkers and Floaters, Log Drop and Wallbugger. Two teams oppose each other; a recent example (well, not that recent, I have a feeling it may have been a rerun!) was Bush Supporters vs. Kerry Supporters. A female contestant ran to her challenge yelling, “Lesbians for Bush!” This show has tons of gay innuendo, and it’s always enjoyable to see other people making idiots of themselves. Airs Saturdays at 6:30 p.m. on Spike TV (check your local listings, as some weeks it airs at 6:00 and 6:30 p.m.).

Rounding out the reality, fans of “Project Runway” may enjoy “The Cut” with Tommy Hilfiger, Thursdays at 8:00 p.m. on CBS; “Being Bobby Brown” on Bravo Thursdays at 10:00 p.m., beginning June 30 (I can only hope it goes better than that infamous interview with Diane Sawyer for him and the Mrs.); and “I Want To Be A Hilton,” starring Kathy Hilton, a.k.a. Paris’ ma, airing Tuesdays at 9:00 p.m. on NBC (What? No tips from Paris herself on how to talk like a baby, survive a sex tape scandal, or become engaged to someone with your same first name? I feel cheated!).

Sean Hayes of “Will & Grace” is co-creator and star of “Situation Comedy,” where two writers are chosen out of many hopefuls to have their projects green lighted (begins July 26 on Bravo). A pair of ghoulish-in-premise “replace our dead singer” shows feature INXS and TLC seeking career resurrection with a new member – they are “Rock Star” and “RU the Girl” (both air in July on CBS and UPN, respectively). The ’70s staple “Battle of the Network Stars” gets a retooling by becoming “Battle of the Network Reality Stars” – could this be Omarosa’s last minute of fame? I’d like to see Gabe Kaplan come out of “retirement” to coach one of the teams, I mean it’s not like he’s busy or something. Then there’s “Dancing with the Stars” – shouldn’t stars be in quotes? One, two, turn the channel, cha cha cha.

The best news for reality TV, in my humble opinion, is the arrival of “Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D List,” which premiers the same night (Aug. 3 – mark it down on your calendar, people!) as her new comedy special, “Kathy Griffin is not Nicole Kidman.” I went to the taping of this back in March, and it is nonstop hilarity, with quick jabs at deserving celebrities like Ryan Seacrest. Both her show and the special air on Bravo.

There are even a few scripted shows making the rounds. “Six Feet Under” is back, and the first episode was vintage “SFU.” David and Keith are getting, a little, umm, sterile with their “we’re adopting a baby” storyline. They’re much better when sparks are flying. Claire is dating; Brenda’s trying to keep it together for Billy, her brother; and Ruth is doing her best to cope with George’s return home from his mental breakdown, in typical Ruth fashion. The best scene, so far, is when Brenda is confronted by Lisa’s ghost at her wedding to Nate, and is chastised for the vast amounts of “anonymous cock” she’s had over the years. Airs Mondays at 9:00 p.m. on HBO; 6:00 p.m. if you have HBO East.

Also on HBO is Lisa Kudrow in “The Comeback,” a behind-the-scenes look at a faded TV star planning to resurrect her career (she’s playing a character, just to quash any doubts) by having her attempt captured by a reality show crew. All I can say is this is a waste of talent for both Kudrow and Michael Patrick King (executive producer of “Sex and the City”). I keep waiting to laugh. And waiting, and waiting. Airs Sundays at 9:00 p.m.

Until next time, that’s all the news that’s fit to print.