Halloween is my favorite holiday! Getting to inhabit another body in a non-carnal way for one night – well, is there anything better? I mean aside from the other aforementioned “invasion of the body snatchers,” of course. What’s that you say, Halloween isn’t technically a holiday? Oh really? Try telling that to the hordes of gays planning “just the perfect outfit” months in advance, sister!

Perhaps you’re languishing between the choices of which Desperate Housewife you can pull off, unsure of what kind of costume is right for you – the one that will be both a reflection of your inner self and outward desires. Or maybe, just maybe, you want a costume that’s inspired by recent trends and goings-on in Hollywood. Well, then, you are in luck – I am here to help.

Arguably the biggest “news flash” out of the movie capital is that, gasp, certain actresses are way too thin! Really?! From those waifs that admit they have an eating disorder, like Mary-Kate Olsen, to the other end of the spectrum, the “I-have-the-metabolism-of-a-hummingbird” types, ala Brittany Murphy; there’s two ways to illustrate this rampant outbreak of stick figureness. One is to go out and procure a skeleton costume, slap on an appropriate color/style wig, and go out into that dark night as either an old-school Lara Flynn Boyle or Calista Flockhart. Or you can kick it new school with, say, a blonde Lindsay Lohan look (from the summer months, because since then she’s “packed” on a few more pounds and reverted back to her orange hair color). Upping the creativity quotient one notch, why not go as a Nicole Richie bobble-head doll? That girl is all head now – haven’t you noticed? Tic-Tacs and diet water sold separately.

The second big trend is the blending of two star entities as one surname; you’ve got your Brangelina, Bennifer II, the newly anointed Vaughniston, and the in-your-face antics of TomKat. Speaking of the latter dynamic duo, here’s a few ways to capitalize on their notoriety as a costume choice. How about dressing as a crazy-in-love Tom Cruise in an “I Heart Katie” straight jacket? Which brings me to a digression… there is speculation that their love union is nothing more than a publicity stunt, and those decades-old “Tom Cruise is really on our team” rumors are resurfacing. My digression is this: Do we really want him on our team? Really, how many gay guys are going to let him jump up and down on their couches?

Anyhoo, as for going as Katie Holmes, two schools of thought come to mind. The first is Katie in a “prisoner of love” ensemble – wouldn’t stripes be slimming for the mom-to-be? The second is Katie in a burka – baby bump not included.

Another epidemic sweeping through Tinsel Town is the one involving those out-of-control paparazzi! So grab a couple of friends with cameras, and don one of two “had a run-in with the paparazzo” costumes. First up, a round-two choice for our girl Lindsay Lohan, decked out as a crash-test dummy (how many car accidents can one person have in a year?). For our next runner-up, you’ll need to take a bald cap and stuff it with newspaper to make the perfect Reese Witherspoon five-head (that girl is well beyond a forehead!). Again, slap on the appropriate wig, and faster than you can say Sweet Home Alabama you’ll be getting chased from the gym to your home.

Not exactly a new trend, but rather a tried and true one, are celebrities going to great lengths to look their best. Porcelain veneers for celeb choppers are now considered a staple of upkeep. In the spirit of this, and of having a bargain costume, all you need is a pack of Dentyne Ice and, voila, you are a dead ringer for Hilary Duff’s rather large choice of toothery. Either that or you can go as Hilary Swank! What is it with women named Hilary and teeth?

Another way the acting set is achieving maximum youthfulness is by going under the knife. Batman Begins was one of the summer’s big hit movies, and left the door open for a potential sequel with the Caped Crusader squaring off against the Joker. Be a forerunner to this inevitable follow-up and dress the part of the villain Cesar Romero portrayed on television and Jack Nicholson stole the show with in 1989’s Batman. Why not put a social commentary twist on it about the dangers of getting too much or even bad plastic surgery? How to achieve this desired effect? Make yourself a Priscilla Presley, Joan Rivers or even a Meg Ryan mask; add a pimp’s fedora and an item of clothing that Prince would be getting rid of at a garage sale, and – whamo – instant Joker!

Celebrities work the red carpet like nobody’s business, but here’s another inexpensive way to go star caliber in a fashion sense: See if your local butcher shop has any cast-off sausage casings and two soon-to-spoil roasts, mismatched in size, to use as breasts. Any guesses to who you could be on All Hallows’ Eve? That’s right – comeback queen Mariah Carey! If you’re planning on dressing up as the recently canned host of “Taradise” (sounds like someone needs a Taravention!), Tara Reid, make sure you have the perfect accessory for your boob-revealing dress: a bottle of vodka.

Britney Spears just had one, Jennifer Garner is due any day now, and Katie Holmes could be farther along than expected (that’s the rumor, anyway). Of course, I am talking about the children of celebrities, a.k.a. “celebutants.” Want to employ your imagination’s crystal ball to foresee what these advantaged lives will be like for these offspring of privilege? Halloween’s a great time to employ your imagination. For Britney’s boy, Sean Preston Federline, don’t shower for about a week and find a good spot to stash your pack of Lucky Strikes in your wife beater. Time permitting, you can cornrow your hair just like dad Kevin Federline. What of mama Britney’s genetics can be thrown into the mix? Well, let’s just say that you don’t need to wear shoes with this costume, and stock up on Cheetos.

You can also fast forward Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown’s daughter, Bobbi Kristina, a few years ahead. While mom Whitney takes a cue from It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown and sets out to trick-or-treat in the hopes of getting a rock, Bobbi Kristina is frantically searching for her favorite pair of hooker shoes to wear for her appearance on “The Maury Povich Show.” Basically, all you need for this costume is a bill for therapy taped to the outside of regular clothes. Ah, the kids grow up so fast!

For all you bears out there, simply get together a bunch of friends in baseball uniforms. Then place harnesses and other leather accoutrements (a leather jock strap does spring to mind) over said sporting outfits, and what do you know, it’s “The Bad News Bears”!

OK, I’d better stop while I’m ahead. With all of the potshots I just took, I’ll need a year-round disguise! Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print.