In trying to suss out, or in my case sass out, just what moments constituted the entertainment penultimates and über lows of 2005, a familiar refrain keeps bouncing through my head:“You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life.”

Yup, that pretty much encapsulates the mixed bag we got stuck holding for the year in entertainment. It also brings back fond memories of my time at an all girls’ prep school. Hangin’ with the motorcycle ridin’ chick, Jo, and wondering about her sexual orientation… hiding what seemed like a truckload of Cool Ranch Doritos from my roommate, Natalie. I got all my style tips from Blair – before she got all religious on me. And, Tootie, dear sweet, Tootie; I admired her coif so much, I ran out and got a medium sized salad bowl in a failed attempt to emulate her. Oh wait… that’s what I did at home watching “The Facts of Life”! But I really digress…

Without further adieu, or any more television induced delusions (Mrs. Garrett, is that you?), Gaywatch is out and proud to bring you the best and the worst of 2005.

Best Train Wreck: “Being Bobby Brown.” You know, Whitney Houston’s husband. This oddly addictive reality show seemed to be on Bravo! every minute during the summer. But was anybody really watching it for Bobby Brown? Nah, we just wanted to see Whitney flip her wig!

Worst Train Wreck: It’s a tie between “Breaking Bonaduce” and – hang on, I need to take 20 showers before I can even finish commenting – “Chaotic” with Britney and K-Fedupwithhim. Ten to 15 minutes into the stark and compelling commentary on the very nature of celebrity (my hand is over my mouth, laughing like a geisha) I was done with their crazy brand of celeb-reality. Either that or my attention span can only handle so much making of pig noses into the camera. Fascinating.

Best Reason to Cancel HBO: With “Six Feet Under” dead and buried, HBO produced lackluster new shows in the guise of “The Comeback” and, yawn, “Rome.”

Worst Trick: This was performed by the writers of “Lost,” as they actually made us start to like Shannon (albeit for only one episode) and then, with a literal bang, they killed her! And to add insult to injury, we had our last Boone flashback, just when I was hopeful that he would be in more. Sigh.

Best Reality Show Moment: Janey from “Big Brother 6” uttering the phrase, “Bye bye, bitches” in an attempt to get under The Nerd Herd’s skin. Did you ever notice that this season’s winner, Maggie, eerily resembled Jan Brady of “The Brady Bunch?” Why does Janey win all of the competitions? Janey! Janey! Janey!

Worst Reality Show Moment: Aside from Danni winning “Survivor: Guatemala” (FYI, the next installment will be “Survivor: Panama, Exile Island” and looks to be on the air possibly in early March), was the show “Trading Spouses.” It wasn’t because of Marguerite Perrin – the overweight, dry-heaving religious zealot with the gap between her teeth you could park a Buick in. No, it was the folks at Fox and their promos that got me curious to watch, and then it ended up being a two parter, without Perrin’s much hyped on-camera freak out. Shame on you, FOX!

Best Disappearing Act: Chris O’Donnell’s show, “Head Cases,” got the axe after only two episodes aired. Harsh.

Worst Disappearing Act: Looks like we have another tie. If the cancelled host of “Taradise,” party girl Tara Reid, can’t even keep a job while drinking on it, what hope is there for the rest of us? In an attempt to make Thursday night’s “Must See” again, NBC is moving “My Name is Earl” to the “Joey” time slot. Not sure when that is? Yeah, you and the rest of America! That would be 8:00 p.m., and why did this take so long?

Best Reason to Get Arrested: So that you could end up on “Prison Break,” of course! This gets my vote as the best new show of the season. So go out and commit a felony… Wentworth Miller is so worth it!

Best Gay/Non-Gay Moment: Hands down, this goes to “Ultimate Fighter 2.” The guys on the show are all buffed and trying to knock each other’s block off, yet there is a strong undercurrent of sexual tension. “Hit me with your best shot” takes on a whole other meaning. Then there was the guy in the Diet Coke commercial dancing around his immaculate apartment (cough, gay!) – while it’s never said for sure if he is or isn’t, my vote goes to the affirmative.

Best Morning Show to Make You Feel Better About Yourself: Why, that would have to be “Starting Over.” Life coach Ilanya Van Zandt (a dead ringer for Whoopi Goldberg) helps “troubled women” with their life problems. Every time the women in the “Starting Over” house appear on camera, the screen lists their name and their problem, i.e.: “Wanda. Coming to grips with, well, being on a sucky show.” And, you’d better step off if you don’t have the talking feather and speak out of turn! It’s more effective for your self-esteem than a weekend trip to Wal-Mart.

Worst Morning Show: “The Tony Danza Show,” which plays off the charm of its host and show’s namesake… and that ain’t sayin’ much. Danza has “scored” interviews with “Taxi” alum and floater advocate Marilu Henner, and even staged a “Who’s the Boss” reunion – what a coup! And this commences the rolling of my eyes. Hey, I didn’t know they could go back that far!

Best TV Reunion Moment: Definitely not the “Knots Landing” one. If I wanted to see that much Botox, dyed hair and collagen (and I’m only referring to Joan Van Ark!), I’d just pop into La Jolla. “Boston Legal” brought together former TJ Hookers William Shatner and Heather Locklear for a nice little piece of TV nostalgia.

Best Scene Stealer: “My Name is Earl,” which quickly became my favorite new comedy this season, in part due to Jaime Pressly as Earl’s ex-wife, Joy, and her impeccable knack to up the comedy quotient in every episode she’s in.

Worst Television Trend: Surprisingly, it’s not the spate of shows trying to capitalize on the success of “Lost.” Its skinny women donning fat suits to “experience the pain and suffering” of real overweight women. I am talking to you, Tyra Banks!

Best Halle Berry Impression: Charlize Theron, come on down! You’re the next contestant on “I Pissed Away That Oscar Win.” Hey, did you hear that thud? Oh, it was just Aeon Flux’s box office returns. (Yes, I know she did North Country in between Oscar Gold and Box Office Black).

Worst Movie Tie-In Product/PR Stunt: Another tie! Did you know that there is a brand of Old Yeller dog food? Yeah, that was some genius idea. Sure, the movie is a Disney classic, but they had to “put Yeller down” for having rabies. What’s next, Cujos & Bits? Speaking of Disney, was it any surprise that Lindsay Lohan started having those pesky fender benders right around the time that Herbie: Fully Loaded was released? Coincidence? I think not!

Best Return to Form: Director John Waters’ A Dirty Shame was very much on par with his earlier works, in which perversion is running amok, amok, amok in suburban Baltimore. One of its best aspects is its sexual terminology (careful if a potential suitor asks you if you want a Roman shower!), and I guarantee you will never hear “The Hokey Pokey” the same way again.

Worst Movie Sequel: This dubious honor goes to The Ring 2. It wasn’t the stench of the creepy little girl rotting away in the well that caused many to hold their noses on this one. No wonder Sissy Spacek was only in it for two and a half minutes!

Best Movie to Recommend to Your Mom: The Upside of Anger, starring Joan Allen. The movie will help any gay son garner brownie points with Ma. What makes this film work is how deftly it chronicles the fine balance between the life envisioned versus the life led, and the comedic infringement on the dramatic. What could have been a mere Lifetime movie of the week is elevated by Allen’s standout performance.

Worst Two Hours You’ll Never Get Back: While Sin City is a visually stunning achievement, a modern-day film noir, it is also excessively violent. On the plus side, Mickey Rourke’s make-up job is just a smidge better than the botched plastic surgery he’s “apparently” had.

Best Song That Got Stuck in Your Head: It’s a three-way tie: “Don’t Cha” by The Pussycat Dolls, “Hollaback Girl” by Gwen Stefani and “My Humps” by Black Eyed Peas. So I guess what this says about their inherent catchiness is: Watch your back, a burlesque troop may be tryin’ to steal your man! The shit is indeed bananas, and what am I going to do with all that junk inside my trunk? Ah, a question for the ages.

Worst Song That Got Stuck in Your Head: “Trapped in the Closet, Parts One-Infinity” by R. Kelly. Virtually impossible to sing along with in your car or shower, and gets the veto on name value alone.

Best Return to Form: Tied up, not “Hung Up,” is Madonna with Confessions on a Dancefloor and Beck with Guero. Kids, the lesson here is: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Best Swan Song: Cher’s real final – no this is really it after touring since the Middle Ages – “Farewell Tour” show. Follow that, you bitches!

Worst Sign That a Break-Up May Be in the Works: When Michelle Williams of Destiny’s Child took a spill during the taping for BET’s “106th & Park,” Kelly and Beyoncè kept to the dance routine. Hey, help a sistah out!

Worst Hollywood Trend: If you guessed the remaking of anything that isn’t nailed down, then you guessed wrong. The blending of celebrity couple names? Not even close, bub. How about celebrities that are either on the rocks or knockin’ the proverbial boots, and trying to deny there is any truth to the rumor? Bingo! Long before the official announcement of Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson’s plans to divorce, there was tons of speculation, and what do you know – they’re splitsville! Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie still have not confirmed they are a couple – I guess Pitt just really likes her kids, since he’s adopting them. C’mon, you two are doin’ it and we all know it!

Best Tom Cruise Moment: Seems like an oxymoron, no? Apparently Tom hit the crazy buffet, and then went back for thirds and dessert! There were so many to choose from. I could go the obvious couch route, and that faux interview gone wet still cracks me up, but there was an episode of a little show you may have heard about that lampooned Cruise to the nth degree: The “South Park” episode that skewers all things Scientology and implores him many times over – after he’d locked himself in the closet – to “just come out already” was much better than anything the flesh and blood Cruise did this year.

What a crazy year it was, as is clearly illustrated by a certain aforementioned “somebody.” Who knows what ’06 has in store, but I will keep you posted. Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print.