It’s the 78th Annual Academy Awards on Sunday, March 5, hosted by John Stewart. Fourteen of the 20 acting nominees who are going for the gold in’06 are virgins – if only in nomination. Thanks to a couple of cowboys who’d rather ride each other than side saddle and a housewife desperate to get her sexual reassignment surgery, the Oscars are going to get a whole lot gayer this year – if that’s possible! And then there’s a distinctly-voiced author working on his greatest claim to fame, a stunning nonfiction account that makes him feel, at times, like he’s selling out for the sake of his art (I wonder if Philip Seymour Hoffman could pull off another “vocal” individual and portray James Frey?). And the newly anointed “triple threat” George Clooney… Oh, that’s right, he’s not gay, just a “confirmed bachelor.”

For most in our community, this particular award show may as well be called the Gay Super Bowl. While some have a Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford, “God, how I hate this night” reaction to sitting through the multiple-hour award ceremony, I think even those uninterested parties will be tuning in, if only to see the showdown between the man in black and the man who wears chaps.

Here’s the lowdown on the “who could win” vs. the “who should win”; red carpet dos and don’ts; and some things that could use some tweaking (and I am not referring to Isaac Mizrahi and Scarlett Johansson’s boobs).

The frontrunners for Best Actor could be subcategorized as Best Sister in a motion picture. Philip Seymour Hoffman’s performance in Capote is nothing short of mesmerizing, and surprisingly subtle. Heath Ledger does a fair share of mumbling in Brokeback Mountain, but his anguish is clearly discernable as he pines for Jake Gyllenhaal – and I don’t blame him one bit.

Joaquin Phoenix does a great turn as Johnny Cash in Walk The Line, but will Jamie Foxx’s win as Ray Charles in Ray last year cancel out his chances for victory?

David Strathairn was nominated for his performance as Edward R. Murrow in Good Night, and Good Luck, and Terrence Howard plays a pimp who really wants to be a rapper in Hustle & Flow. Great, there goes my autobiography!

In the Best Actress category we have Reese Witherspoon’s portrayal of June Carter Cash in Walk The Line, which is light years away from the comedies she is known for. Witherspoon has already racked up numerous awards, including a win at the recent SAG Awards, and is a favorite to snag the Oscar. Then again, so is Felicity Huffman for TransAmerica. She’s secured frontrunner status with a Golden Globe, but lost the SAG to Witherspoon. For the role of Bree, Huffman dropped her octave range, affected a different walk and even added a little something extra. Charlize Theron is tired of people accusing her of going ugly to procure Oscar nominations – um, then stop doing it? Theron is nominated for the sexual harassment flick North Country. Keira Knightley is up for her turn in Pride and Prejudice. Next. Dame Judi Dench won a best supporting statuette in 1999’s Shakespeare in Love, and she was only onscreen for eight minutes! Now that she’s nominated for a full-length movie, Mrs. Henderson Presents, will she upset the apple cart of younger actresses?

Taking a cue from The Dame in the Best Supporting Actor race is William Hurt in A History of Violence. The 1986 Best Actor winner for Kiss of the Spider Woman is only onscreen for 10 minutes. Matt Dillon is the only cast member from Crash that was nominated. Do it for Johnny, Matt! Jake Gyllenhaal, what movie was he in? Well, there was the one where he played a soldier and the one where he played a cowboy. Syriana’s George Clooney recently said that when he was on “The Facts of Life,” he never thought he’d ever get any type of award. He might have been right in that assessment, as there was never an Emmy category for Best Mullet. Paul Giamatti was snubbed by the Academy last year for Sideways, so he might get the sympathy f*ck award this year for Cinderella Man.

The Best Supporting Actress contingency is a mixed bag of the familiar and the newbie. Frances McDormand dusts off her Fargo accent for North Country – oh shoot, Marge!

Rachel Weisz seems to have a lock on this category, as she has won both the Golden Globe and SAG Award for her work in The Constant Gardener. Michelle Williams is paddling away from “Dawson’s Creek” as the wife in Brokeback Mountain who stumbles onto the reason behind her husband’s “fishing trips.” Catherine Keener is Capote’s fag hag, Nell Harper Lee, and the rock upon which the sometimes anguished author depends on. Amy Adams is the epitome of what a best supporting actress should be in Junebug. From the first moment and every minute thereafter that she is onscreen, she is nothing short of magic. Who knew the pregnant cheerleader from Drop Dead Gorgeous would snag an Oscar nom? Go Muskies!

Only three songs made the cut for Best Original Song: “In the Deep” (Crash), “Travelin’ Thru” (TransAmerica) and “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” (Hustle & Flow). Great, there goes the song I was working on.

Usually there are five songs nominated, and an interesting exclusion is “A Love That Will Never Grow Old” from Brokeback Mountain. The Academy felt because it only played briefly in one scene on a car radio that it was ineligible. Whatever! Also disqualified was “These Boots are Made for Walking” by Jessica Simpson, because it had already been recorded. Oh, the humanity! Thank God for the humanity!

George Clooney is nominated for Best Director for Good Night, and Good Luck, and while it would be easy enough to dismiss this as a fluke, there is a serious lineage of actors who have won in the past, including Clint Eastwood, Mel Gibson and Kevin Costner. Paul Haggis is up for directing the ensemble drama Crash, Bennett Miller for Capote, Steven Spielberg for Munich, and Ang Lee distances the gap from the disaster that was The Hulk with his nod for Brokeback Mountain.

The Best Picture nominees read like the lost lyrics of the 1979 song “Pop Musik.” Brokeback Mountain, Munich, Crash, Capote, Good Night, and Good Luck, everybody talk about Pop Musik.

Don’t worry, I won’t go into all of the other categories. This show’s running long enough as it is!

The only reason I watch the red carpet telecasts is to see if there will be any train wrecks happening. For some reason, E! has decided to replace Kathy Griffin as a red carpet fixture. Boo, hiss! And who have they replaced her with? Oh, that would be Ryan Seacrest, the self-proclaimed “Queen, I mean, King of All Media.” On the plus side (well, not so much anymore), Star Jones is “busy” with her book tour. If Isaac Mizrahi hasn’t been ordered into a no touchy, no feely program, I would like to see him skirt personal hygiene questions in favor of asking the things we all want to know. Let’s say a celeb has a questionable sexuality. He could ask them, “Who are you doing?” instead of “Who are you wearing?”

Speaking of who are you wearing, Joan and Missy will be trotting out their dog and pony show for the TV Guide channel. There is still time to mail them a thesaurus so that they can find another word to supplant “amazing.”

Celebrities like to strut their stuff on that carpet, and at times there seems to be a collective consciousness in Tinsel Town not to wear something inappropriate, ill fitting or just plain wrong. And then again, there are some stars that buck the trend – so let me address you personally.

Queen Latifah, make sure you have better loading straps than you did at the Globes. The way your dress straps were cutting into your shoulders looked so painful. Gwyneth Paltrow, we know you are having a baby; that doesn’t mean you need to dress as one yourself. Johnny Depp, I know you can afford shampoo and a comb. Droop, I mean, Drew Barrymore, make sure you wear a bra, otherwise you are going to have bad knees when you get older. And, finally, to Teri Hatcher, if you happen to attend the Oscars for the same inexplicable reason that you attended the Grammys (achoo, cry for attention), remember that it’s Felicity’s night, and we know you look good for the over-40 set, so we don’t need to see your underpants ever again.

I only have a small wish list: Change the very PC, “And the Oscar goes to…” back to, “And the winner is…,” because four of the nominees are going to lose. Take a cue from The People’s Choice Awards with their fun albeit lame pseudo awards for Best Hair and Star Look. And maybe create The Samuel L. Jackson I’ll Star In Anything Award. This year’s recipient could have been Eugene Levy!

So what do these accolades mean? Brokeback Mountain has shown Middle America that we share the same capacity for love and the need to connect with others on a basic human level. Capote reminds all people that genius can be found in anyone. And TransAmerica is a strong reminder to be true to yourself no matter what the circumstances are.

Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print.