Ah, that magical time of year is upon us again! No, I haven’t decided to be less bitchy to the folks in Tinsel Town – that only occurs once in a millennium. It’s time to plant your butts in an air conditioned theater and let the onslaught of summer blockbusters wash over you, like the waves you could be playing in at the beach instead.

While not as rampant in seasons past, we do have a few unnecessary sequels – Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties, anyone? Didn’t think so. On the bright sequel side, there’s a last stand (yeah, sure), a return and a dead man’s chest to contend with. On the latter, I really hope this doesn’t start a new male Hollywood crash diet to obtain a concave chest – nobody steals Dennis Quaid’s “manorexic” thunder, so back off!

There is but a smattering of re-imagineered attempts this time out; only three compared to last summer’s. But the biggest question that begs asking is will the box office continue to slump, like George Michael behind the wheel of a parked car? So let’s see if the requisite superhero worship, CGI critters, belly laughs and, gulp, even some original works (well, if you count movies based on novels as original) will ignite the box office like so many barbecues – and which will be raked through the smoldering coals.

There are three event movies starting the summer off before the traditional Memorial Day weekend kick-off. We have Mission Impossible III, which underperformed its opening weekend, only making $48 million. Guess audiences may have grown a tad weary of Tom Cruise – can’t imagine why. Poseidon updates The Poseidon Adventure, and the closest thing we have to Shelley Winters is Richard Dreyfuss as a suicidal gay man! Oy gay! The Da Vinci Code is based on some book, I think. At first, I thought it was a horror film and then realized it was just Tom Hanks’ hair that was scaring me.

Sticking to the official start of summer like a good sequel is X-Men: The Last Stand. This time out, the mutants have a tough call to make: remain their different selves or be “cured” and become “normal.” I knew this flick had a new director, Brett Ratner, but I had no idea he was a Christian fundamentalist. Joining the X’s this time out are Ellen Page as Kitty Pryde (sounds like a lesbians-only version of Pride), Ben Foster, Claire’s fugly beau on “Six Feet Under,” has cleaned up rather nicely as Angel. And Kelsey Grammer as Beast – when I think superhero, my mind immediately thinks of “Frasier.” (May 26)

The Break Up stars Vinnifer, Vaughniston (or whatever the hell the “alleged” couple has been anointed) as a pair that breaks up but still lives together. That’s just crazy! (June 2)

Maybe the best thing that can be said of remaking The Omen is that you can get a new pickup line out of it. “Hey, baby. Can I check you for 6’s?” Stars Liev Schreiber (not Gregory Peck by a long shot) and Julia Stiles (not Lee Remick by an even longer shot) and Mia Farrow as the creepy nanny (not a stretch there). (June 6 – oh, you clever marketing folks!)

Robert Altman helms the screen adaptation of Garrison Keillor’s radio staple of the same name – A Prairie Home Companion stars Meryl Streep, Lily Tomlin, Kevin Kline, John C. Reilly and Lindsay Lohan. The burning question isn’t if Lohan gives an Oscar-caliber performance – it’s if the film will cover the years that Mary went blind on “Little House on the Prairie.” What’s that you say, it’s not one in the same? Oops-a-doodle. (June 9)

Pixar’s Cars is notable because its lead character, Lightning McQueen, is obviously a circuit boy in automobile form. Just kidding. It’s an homage to Steve McQueen, of course. (June 9)

Jack Black is all moobs (man boobs) and crammed into tights in Nacho Libre, a Mexican wrestling comedy. The Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift does not have Paul Walker or even Vin Diesel, and sounds like something you get after eating bad sushi. Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock re-team in The Lake House. Ah, that’s why they were at the Oscars together – I certainly didn’t think they were an item, since Sandy’s married and Keanu’s… oh, please, Mary! (June 16)

After two years of distribution problems, Jeri Blank & Co. are back for PC-be-damned fun on the big screen in Strangers With Candy, a prequel to the television show. Stars Amy Sedaris, Stephen Colbert and Sarah Jessica Parker. (June 28)

It’s fantasy day for fans of the novel and fashionistas everywhere, as Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada strikes again as an Anna Wintour-esque literal bitch of a boss who makes life hell for poor Anne Hathaway. Like the wigs she had to don in Brokeback Mountain weren’t bad enough! (June 30)

Superman Returns after a 19-year absence from the silver screen. The movie picks up five years after the events in Superman II. Hey, did director Bryan Singer (X-Men I and II) forget about the third and fourth installments of the original series? He’s hoping we all have! The Man of Steel (Brandon Routh) returns from a self-imposed exile in outer space to find Lois Lane (Kate Bosworth) a single mom and Lex Luthor (Kevin Spacey) up to his old tricks. (June 30)

There’s even a couple of gay-themed flicks due out (so to speak). That would be The Mostly Unfabulous Social Life of Ethan Green, based on the comic strip, and Queens, which is, well, based on gay people. No, it’s a Spanish comedia about cinco madres overseeing their gay sons’ weddings.

Arrr you ready for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest? It’s the further exploits of Johnny Depp’s Cap’n Jack Sparrow, no relation to Cap’n Crunch, as he battles Davy Jones, no relation to the one from The Monkees. Orlando Bloom co-stars, which makes it a tough call as to whose plank I’d rather walk. Oh yeah, Keira Knightley’s in it, too. (July 7)

Pathfinder has hot Native Americans in loincloths fighting off Vikings. ’Nuff said. You, Me and Dupree has Owen Wilson crashing on newlywed pals Matt Dillon and Kate Hudson’s couch. (July 14)

Uma Thurman is no stranger to the chicks-who-kick-ass genre, just ask Daryl Hannah’s eye! So it’s no surprise that she’s been tapped to play My Super Ex-Girlfriend. Speaking of Daryl Hannah, she hit big in 1984’s Splash, directed by Ron Howard. Now, his daughter, Bryce Dallas Howard (The Village), is a narf, which is some sort of sea nymph discovered in a swimming pool by Paul Giamatti. This latest work from M. Night Shyamalan is said to not have a trick ending. Uh-huh. The House of Adam involves a gay recluse with a closet-case police detective lover. (July 21)

Do you ever wish that some movies came with a warning label? Why is it that Miami Vice immediately springs to mind? Every time I see the trailer, I hold my nose, and that’s without Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx wearing shoes without socks. In other news, Michelle Pfeiffer (remember her?) and Paul Rudd go ro-co (romantic comedy, in layman’s terms) in I Could Never Be Your Woman. (July 28)

Film wallflower Will Ferrell headlines Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, a NASCAR comedy – is there any other kind? His arch rival is a gay French Formula I racer. I don’t know whether to tell him, “Go, Speed Racer, go” or if a simple, “You go girl” would suffice. (Aug. 4)

Finally a role that Hilary Swank can sink her ginormous teeth into… a horror movie called The Reaping, or what her dentist does come cavity fillin’ time. (Aug. 11)

Two Gaywatch veterans (see April edition) Quinceanera and The Night Listener open on Aug. 4 and Aug. 18, respectively.

Clerks II, sans the electric bugaloo, revisits the slackers at the Quick Stop. Oh, boy! Director Kevin Smith’s crap muse, Ben Affleck, makes a cameo appearance – to distance himself from the flops Gigli and Jersey Girl. Smith would be wise to cut that scene. Snakes on a Plane has generated a great deal of buzz on its simple premise and name. Go-to I’ll-star-in-anything-once star Samuel L. Jackson must thwart the reptilian nasties. (Aug. 18)

The Omen has me thinking of 6’s, and of films that came out in 1976 and 1986. Who would have thought 30 or even 20 years ago that films like Carrie, Aliens and Stand By Me would be regarded as classics? Well, at least they are on AMC, but, please don’t try to get me to believe the same of Jaws: The Revenge. So how will this latest crop of event movies and the like stand up to the test of time? Only time will tell. Until next time, that’s all the news that’s fit to print.