I awake in a cold sweat. Something’s wrong and I can’t quite put my hand on it in the wee hours of the morning. And that’s quite literally the problem! Where’s the remote control that’s usually affixed to my hand at all times?

I sit up as straight as I can muster and pat the bed in a panic, as a murder of crows makes it presence known in the tree outside my bedroom window. Their caws vibrate through my perplexed mind, sounding suspiciously like the word “kill.” My brain is now firing on all synapses and flashes on a bumper sticker I’ve seen throughout the years that reads: Kill your television.

I know this is what I must do, and just as I am about to, I awake in a cold sweat… and the remote control is just where it should be, as it always has been, right there in my hand. Whew!

This bad dream is sponsored in part by season finales over and done with for the season. And with no new airings of favorites until fall, I’m left wondering what I’m going to watch this summer. Luckily for me and you, there are plenty shows to fill the void that don’t require a healthy slathering of SPF.

“The Closer” is back for a second season, with Kyra Sedgwick as a feisty Los Angeles deputy chief of a homicide unit. A fun drinking game can be made out of her signature line, “thank you.” Just take a drink every time she utters the phrase. On second thought, you might be sloshed before the opening credits have stopped rolling. Airs Mondays at 9:00 p.m. on TNT.

“Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List” is back for a second season. So that puts her on the C+ List at least, right? This time out, Kathy takes on losing weight, a trip to Iraq to entertain the troops, and reconciling with her husband, Matt (although there are rampant rumors to the contrary). Airs Tuesdays at 9:00 p.m. on Bravo.

The Fab Five, a.k.a. the “Queer Eye” guys, are staked out in Vegas to give those desert dwellers fab-u-lous makeovers. Get over to Celine Dion’s house, pronto! Airs Tuesdays at 10:00 p.m. on Bravo.

“The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency” is open for business Tuesdays at 10:00 p.m. on Oxygen. How many carbs are in a plate of crazy? You would think “the world’s oldest supermodel” would be more mindful of her weight!

If you’re a fan of director Christopher Guest’s improvisational dialogue flicks, like Best In Show (we’ll pretend A Mighty Wind never happened, because I thought wind was supposed to blow, not suck), then tune into Lifetime on Monday nights at 11:00 p.m. “Lovespring International,” produced by Eric McCormack “Will & Grace,” is a comedy set within a dating service. Stars Jane Lynch (Best in Show), Jack Plotnick (Xandir on “Drawn Together”) and Jennifer Elise Cox (Jan Brady of The Brady Bunch movies). Airs Mondays at 11:00 p.m. on Lifetime.

Two decidedly different reality shows are airing on two decidedly different networks. “Hell’s Kitchen” has tough-as-a-Ginsu knife chef, Gordon Ramsey, making sure the lettuce is being spritzed with the saliva he disperses from yelling at wannabe culinary types. Airs Mondays at 9:00 p.m. on FOX.

“Tuesday Night Book Club” sounds positively riveting – did I doze off there for a sec? Actually, it covers the how to’s on adultery, addiction and even a good ol’ wife swap or two. Airs Tuesdays at 10:00 p.m. on CBS.

Simon Cowell is the brains behind “America’s Got Talent.” Leave it to a Brit to show us that we are a bunch of Amer-I-Can’s! The show is hosted by the incomparable Regis Philbin, and David Hasselhoff is a judge! Oh, that ain’t right. Airs Wednesdays at 8:00 p.m. on NBC.

“The Simple Life: ’Til Death Do Us Part” at least has the balls to let us know that Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie hate each other! Airs Sunday at 10:00 p.m. on E!

“My Fair Brady: We’re Getting Married” chronicles the impending nuptials of Christopher “Peter Brady” Knight and Adrianne “T minus 14 minutes and counting” Curry. I’ll just wait for the divorce special, thanks. Airs Sundays at 9:00 p.m. on VH1.

Logo sends out comedian Ant in search of gay culture throughout the 50 states in “U.S. of Ant.” Can’t wait till he hits the Red States! Airs Mondays at 10:00 p.m.

HBO brings back the potty-mouthed Westerners of “Deadwood” for a third season, Sundays at 9:00 p.m. And those boys of “The Entourage” are back on Sunday nights, too, at 10:00 p.m.

Speaking of across the pond, BBC America has some nice alternatives to shelling out airfare for a trip abroad. “Footballers Wive$” features all of the staples of nighttime soaps gone by: bitchiness, backstabbing and hermaphrodite babies. Main wive$ Tanya and Amber are this millennium’s Krystle Carrington and Alexis Morrell Colby Dexter Rohan, and are both preggers by the same man! There’s even a gay football player (“football” is what we Americans call soccer), who got a bit of on-air somethin’ somethin’ last season. Airs Sundays at 10:00 p.m.

“Hex” is looking to capitalize on the now defunct “Charmed” with its own brand of witchery. Airs Thursdays at 10:00 p.m. on BBC America.

“Little Britain” is sketch comedy at its gayest! Check out the colorful characters Fridays at 10:20 p.m. on BBC America.

“Big Brother 7: All Stars” will cull its newest old cast members from a voting show. America will pick six contestants, while the show will figure out the other six. Starts back up on Thursday, July 6, at 8:00 p.m. on CBS.

“Chappelle’s Show: The Lost Episodes” were filmed before the comedian decided to abandon ship on his show. Where am I supposed to get my “Friday Night Sissy Fight” fix? Guess I’ll just have to walk the streets of Hillcrest (sigh). Returns to Comedy Central Sunday, July 9, at 9:00 p.m. The fourth season of “Reno 911!” also premieres July 9. Check www.comedycentral.com for showtimes.

Bravo just keep getting’ gayer all the time. “Work Out” – now who might fit the demographic to watch this show? Gay men, maybe? But the gals will love it too. L.A. trainer Jackie Warner is not only a task mistress in the gym, she is also at home with her girlfriend, Mimi. Starts Wednesday, July 19, at 11:00 p.m.

Also on Bravo, “Project Runway” is back to strut its collective stuff on Wednesday, July 12, at 10:00 p.m.

As if the prospect of not being swimsuit-ready isn’t frightening enough, TNT is serving up Stephen King’s “Nightmares & Dreamscapes,” beginning July 12 at 9:00 p.m.

Feeling a bit culture deprived? Head on over to PBS on July 19 at 9:00 p.m. for their biography of “Marilyn Monroe: Still Life.”

The dog days of summer see the return of the pot-growing PTA moms of “Weeds” on Monday, Aug. 14, at 10:00 p.m. on Showtime.

The Logo soap “Noah’s Arc” comes back on Wednesday, Aug. 9, at 10:00 p.m.

And, lastly, “Celebrity Fit Club 4” is upon us on Sunday, Aug. 6, at 9:00 p.m. Look for Ted “Isaac from ‘The Love Boat’” Lange, Carnie Wilson (guess some staples popped out) and Tina “Family Ties” Yothers. Girl, you cut your ’80s hair. That must have been at least a good 20 pounds!

Maybe your computer’s feeling a tad neglected from all the television viewing, so show it some love by visiting these Web sites: www.perezhilton.com for celebrity dirt and fun. Look for “Periods 101” and “Ricky learns the facts of life” at www.youtube.com. Priceless gems, really.

Speaking of priceless gems, log on to www.jewelrytelevision.com and look to see when hosts/hawkers Sharon Scott and Tamara Mazzetti are going to be on Channel 359. They’re adept at mining unintentional comedy gold!

See, your television didn’t neglect you during these sweltering months. Go on, give it a nice kiss. But don’t use tongue unless it’s unplugged. Until next time, that’s all the news that’s fit to print.