In narrowing down the year in entertainment, the opening line of Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities made its way into my head: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times….”

Even though we’re going to look back at the doings that made up the strangely entertaining year of ’06, only one city, Hollywood, will be caught in the crosshairs. Like Britney Spears going commando in front of the paparazzi, C-section scars and all will be exposed.

Best show to make you feel better about your own family: “House of Carters” had more infighting and booze flowing than a lifetime of Christmas get-togethers combined.

Best guest star: Mario Lopez’s ass on “Nip/Tuck.”

Worst trick: On the latest installment of “The Simple Life,” Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are going to confront each other on the last episode, until the credits read “to be continued next season.” Gee, that was the only reason I watched this season. Yeah, that’s it.

Gayest commercial: Hands down, this goes to BOD Man fragrances. The commercials play like soft porn with their homoerotic imagery of hot men playing a rousing (or is that arousing) game of soccer.

Best gay/non-gay moment: When a young male contestant told Bob Barker on “The Price Is Right” that he was “pumped” to be there, Barker asked him for clarification and got the response that it meant excited. Barker then proceeded to tell the lad that he was “gonna pump him so good.”

Saddest farewell to a TV legend: Aaron Spelling did more than any other producer to change the landscape of television. His reward? He was about the fifth story in on “Access Hollywood” when he passed away.

Worst career move: Our first tie! Katie Couric anchoring “The CBS Evening News” hasn’t exactly been setting the world (or ratings) afire. Star Jones fittingly lost a ton of weight and then got too big for her britches on “The View,” announcing her “decision to leave” on air.

Best career move: Rosie O’ Donnell taking over for Star Jones on “The View” has made the show water cooler fodder again.

Worst way to quash a gay rumor: If you’re Oprah, you might want to rethink taping an XM Radio promo about the rainy night you first met gal pal Gayle King, and you could probably edit out the part about offering to let her spend the night and lending her your panties because she didn’t have any.

Worst TV trend: “The Fall Finale.” Silly TV execs, finales are for May! Wait, this just in! The judges have declared a tie in this category, too. “Access Hollywood” really needs to stop involving their reporters as part of the story. Who cares if Maria Menounos can do the cha cha cha as well as cast members of “Dancing with the Stars?”

Best scene stealers: Dixie Carter of “Designing Women” made a welcome addition as Bree’s mother-in-law on “Desperate Housewives.” Jennifer Elise Cox (Jan Brady in The Brady Bunch movies) is hilarious as Tiffany, the blonde receptionist on Lifetime’s “Lovespring, International.” Mark Indelicato, the nephew on “Ugly Betty,” can sashay away with a scene like nobody’s business. And Alec Baldwin can kill with just one line on “30 Rock.”

Best daytime soap storyline: The recent inclusion of a transgender character on “All My Children.”

Best TV nostalgia: “Match Game” reruns on The Game Show Network

Best new TV shows: “Ugly Betty,” “Heroes” and “Brothers and Sisters.”

Best catchphrase: “Make it work,” as uttered by Tim Gunn on “Project Runway.”

Worst catchphrase (if uttered in bed): “Make it work!”

Best song to sing in your car while driving through Hillcrest: Looks like we have a three-way (tie, that is). “Promiscuous Girl” by Nelly Furtado, “Sexy Back” by Justin Timberlake and “Fergalicious” by Fergie.

Worst song to sing in your car while driving through Hillcrest: “Wind It Up” by Gwen Stefani, only because of the yodeling.

Best concert experience: Madonna’s “Confessions” tour was well worth the kidney and spleen I sold on eBay to purchase tickets.

Worst concert experience: Madonna’s “Coachella Music Festival” appearance, but not because of her. Read on…

Best way to level an annoying teenage girl who calls you a fag at Coachella Valley Music Festival (or any other concert venue): “I’m sorry that you spent all of the money you were saving for implants on the concert.”

Worst missed opportunity: Producers of NBC’s “Dateline” should have snagged the rights to David Hasselhoff’s “Jump in my car” for their “To Catch a Predator” segments.

Best/worst bad-girl makeover: Nelly Furtado, way to sell yourself on the proverbial corner for some street cred, but we love the end result.

Most appropriate song title 22 years later: “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go,” but only if you’re George Michael slumped behind the wheel of your car.

Most triumphant return: Kylie Minogue starting up her “Showgirl Homecoming Tour” after battling breast cancer.

Worst ball drop: Janet Jackson’s Virgin label refusing to further promote 20 YO, which was much better than her last CD. Poor Penny, looks like her Mama took the ironing cord to her forehead again! Maybe she should sick Wilona on Virgin Records!

Best career move: Former ’N Sync member Lance Bass came out. Oh, wait, wouldn’t he have to have a career?

Best way to endear yourself to gay audiences: If you’re Anne Hathaway, you trek down Brokeback Mountain to the concrete jungles of N.Y.C. and become a harried assistant for Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada.

Worst case of irony (that a star doesn’t get): Beyoncé says in every interview for the movie Dreamgirls that she isn’t like the character Deena, who leaves a successful group to embark on a solo career. Oh, honey, we all know you are like Deena, and so does the rest of Destiny’s Child.

Best quotable line for a gay man: “I’m two flu seasons away from my goal weight,” from The Devil Wears Prada.

Worst movie tie-in: Borat and lawsuits.

Best way to infuse new life into an older film franchise: Dye its hair blond and put it in a square-cut Speedo. It worked wonders for Daniel Craig in Casino Royale.

Worst movie sequel: Basic Instinct 2. Hello! Sharon Stone has gone back to only responding to the sound of a torn envelope. She was a recent presenter at the “American Music Awards.” Yeah, when I think music, I think La Stone!

Best argument for having an affair: Brangelina welcomed Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt into the world and she has mom’s famous lips. Hope she’s not breast feeding. Angelina could lose a nipple that way!

Best Halloween costume for celebrity progeny: If you’re Suri Cruise, you can go as Waldo from “Where’s Waldo” for at least the first five months of your life.

Worst sign you may have a drug problem: Well, if you’re Whitney Houston and Courtney Love performs an intervention, then, Houston, you have a problem!

Best example of can’t walk and chew gum at the same time: Britney Spears almost droppin’ little Sean Preston. Oh, isn’t droppin’ your youngin’ on his melon considered “country?”

Gayest Clay Aiken moment: Not the feud with Kelly Ripa or appearing on “Days of Our Lives.” It was those bangs. Girl, what were you thinking?

Biggest celebrity trend: It’s weight loss, of course, but with a twist! Dump that dead weight by divorcing a spouse. It worked wonders for Whitney, Britney, Pamela Anderson and countless others.

Geez, all of that remembering made my head hurt worse than Lindsay Lohan’s after a night on the town. Oh, wait, she’s sober now, though she’s not even 21 yet. Anyhoo, until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print.