Summer movies always make me wonder, “Does size really matter?” Producers proudly whip out their big, long and uncut blockbusters, asking audiences to choose one over the other – it becomes the cinematic version of a cock fight, with offerings of superheroes, sequels and the like.

So here is a look at the big-budget bonanzas that are sure to get movie-going size queens all worked up this summer!

The comedy to beat this summer is Knocked Up, from the writer/director of The 40 Year-Old Virgin, starring “Gay’s,” err, “Grey’s Anatomy’s” Katherine Heigl, who has a bun in the oven after a one night stand (June 1).

Ocean’s Thirteen reunites Hollywood heavyweights George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon and even Casey Affleck (Ben’s little brother), along with Ocean virgins, Al Pacino and Ellen Barkin, set against the high stakes world of Sin City (June 8).

Now that the origins of The Fantastic Four were dealt with in the first film, they can get down to the brass tacks of being full-fledged superheroes in Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. All of that is well and good, but here’s hoping that the Human Torch (Chris Evans) encounters some wardrobe malfunctions with his costume and has to run around starkers the entire movie (June 15).

Bruce Willis is back as John McClane in Live Free or Die Hard, and hopefully that title doesn’t refer to Willis’ character battling back from a near-fatal Viagra addiction! The fourth film in the Die Hard series co-stars Timothy Olyphant from The Broken Hearts Club and cute Justin Long from those Mac versus PC commercials (June 27).

You never know what you are going to get with a movie adapted from a cartoon; it can be all shades of lame, like 2001’s Josie and the Pussycats. But it could have the potential to be über cool, which will hopefully be the case with the Transformers movie (July 4). I predict a porn remake titled Trannyformers, starring everyone’s favorite FTM porn star Buck Angel. Talk about more than meets the guy!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix may not be able to fit on a marquee, but it does follow the continuing adventures of everybody’s favorite boy wizard. After those promotional pictures of Daniel Radcliffe from Equus were splashed all over the place, two things are clear: (a) He is no longer a boy wizard, and (b) perhaps the series should be re-christened Happy Trails Potter (July 13).

Only one flick this summer has been 18 years in the making, as The Simpsons are leaping from the small screen to the big with the aptly titled, The Simpsons Movie. If the movie is a success, expect a sequel sometime around the summer of 2025 (July 27).

Matt Damon and his reprisal of badass assassin Jason Bourne gets a foothold on the dog days of summer with The Bourne Ultimatum, and is sure to give the sometimes vacuous summer action flick a much needed shot in the arm with its blend of brains and brawn (Aug. 3).

Last summer, The Devil Wears Prada showed its box office legs against heavy-hitter CGI fare like Superman Returns. So it’s no surprise that this year, in the middle of the testosterone-filled movie roster, some “kindler, gentler” flicks will be ushered in to give audiences a choice as to where to shell out their cash. And, gulp, there are even some flicks with a bit of gay sensibility thrown into the mix!

In A Mighty Heart, Angelina Jolie tackles the real-life role of Mariane Pearl, who was left widowed after her husband, Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl, was kidnapped and killed in Pakistan. For the role, Jolie has, ahem, “adopted” a new look. She looks eerily like Cher in Moonstruck (June 22).

Evening boasts a stellar cast and just a hint of nepotism. Meryl Streep and Vanessa Redgrave – and real-life daughters, Mamie Gummer and Natasha Richardson, respectively – star alongside Toni Collette, Glenn Close and Claire Danes in this tale of a dying woman’s remembrances of days gone by, from a screenplay by Michael Cunningham of The Hours (June 29).

I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry stars Adam Sandler and Kevin James as a couple of firefighting hets that decide to flame out as a couple of ’mos in order to obtain domestic partnership benefits (July 20).

Here’s hoping that Hairspray does not repeat the formula that marred that other movie-to stage-and-back-to-movie adaptation known as The Producers. John Travolta, in a valiant effort to quash those lingering rumors about his sexuality, dons a female fat suit to play the late Divine’s role of Edna Turnblad. This is Travolta’s first movie musical since Grease… hey, I thought gay people like musicals? Co-starring another Grease alum, Michelle Pfeiffer, albeit from the less-than-stellar sequel (seriously, who wrote the songs for that one? Yeah, I can’t get that ode to bowling laced with sexual innuendo song, “Score Tonight,” out of my head!). Queen Latifah joins the star-studded cast as Motormouth Maybelle (July 20).

I Know Who Killed Me stars troubled “It Girl” Lindsay Lohan. Oh, so it’s a movie told from her brain cells’ perspective after a hard night of partying (July 27)? Also opening that weekend is No Reservations starring Catherine Zeta-Jones as a master chef who becomes a surprise caretaker to her niece (Abigail Breslin).

Also being released in July are two other gay movies. Fat Girls is the tale of an outcast Texas teen with lofty dreams of Broadway glory who finds a conduit of understanding in his high school theater teacher – go figure. Eleven Men Out is an Icelandic film about a gay soccer player (insert obvious blue balls joke here).

Becoming Jane is what Anne Hathaway will be doing this summer, and the film is a biography of author Jane Austen’s early love life (Aug. 3).

Since horror movies have proven that they don’t need to be resigned to a fall movie slot, there are a few cheap thrills heading to theaters.

Hostel: Part II is another grisly chapter about tourists terrorized in Slovakia. Does that mean they can’t order room service? Oh, the horror (June 8)!

For this fourth interpretation of the 1950s sci-fi classic Invasion of the Body Snatchers, the filmmakers of its newest incarnation, The Invasion, have tapped Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig as the leads. My fingers are crossed that the aliens see fit to tie a nude Craig to a chair, like he was in Casino Royale (Aug. 17)!

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before… a masked killer stalks babysitters on All Hallows Eve. I told you to stop me! Too bad somebody didn’t stop director Rob Zombie, who is unleashing his own brand of mayhem in Halloween, which lies somewhere between sequel, prequel and remake (Aug. 31).

And there, in a nutshell, are the movies vying for your attention this summer. Shoot! I didn’t have time to mention that there’s another penguin flick coming out. This time they surf! Maybe to educate children that 12 of the world’s 19 penguin species are headed for extinction, rather than hanging 10 or showing off mad dancing skills, there should be a realistic animated penguin flick called Death March of the Penguins put into production, stat! Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print.