The time of year I dread is here again. No – not swimsuit season! Well, maybe swimsuit season, just a little bit …

Gone are my favorite television shows, swallowed by the summer chasm between cliffhangers and season premieres.

I feel forsooked – er, forsaken – by my bitch mistress, television. I’ve always sat by television, in good time, bad times, and worse times (i.e. “The Brady Bunch Variety Hour”). Why would television do this to me? Why!? (Reads better with a vocal inflection á la Sally Field in Steel Magnolias – damn, now I miss “Brothers & Sisters”).

And it seems doubly painful this year after having been robbed of television for months by the writer’s strike.

It’s déjà vu – now there are only reality shows up the yin yang. I love me some mindless TV, but it seems there is sensory overload in programming right now, and I can’t compute.

There are a few rays of light, courtesy of the wise-cracking redhead, Kathy Griffin, beloved comic, Margaret Cho, the long-awaited small screen version of “Sordid Lives: The Series,” and the summer staple “Big Brother,” returning on July 13 at 8 p.m.

I can’t believe I am going to kill trees by giving column space to some of these shows, but poking fun at them is the only way to make them semi-bearable.

I was surprised E! waited until Memorial Day to premiere its two new shows, “Living Lohan” and “Denise Richards: It’s Complicated.” Clearly these should have run back-to-back on Mother’s Day. Talk about a testament to motherhood – what better way to celebrate Mother’s Day than by pimping out your kids for reality TV? Neat!

On “Living Lohan,” Ashlee Simpson wannabe, Ali Lohan, always appears to be smelling something bad … hm, could it be the show? Mom Dina may look into adopting her cell phone, because she speaks to it more than she does to her other kid, the son … um, what’s his name? Oh yeah, “Other Kid.”

Richards’ show may not be the best way to dispel any of the misnomers attached to her “celebrity.” Well, if it worked for Paula Abdul on “Hey Paula” … oops, bad example! Anyhoo, Richards says the prospect of dating makes her itchy – which means she’d be the perfect candidate for the next incarnation of “Flavor of Love.” Both shows air on Sundays, if you dare.

I give mad props to the female models who are of a certain age (35 and up) on TV Land’s “She’s Got the Look,” airing Wednesdays at 10 p.m. But, host Kim Alexis’ enthusiasm for what the women are doing makes it sound like sporting a swimsuit at their respective ages is akin to enduring a life threatening illness, calling what they are doing “an act of bravery.” On second thought, she’s right as I, too, am a woman of a certain age.

Showtime begs the question: when is a secret not really a secret? Well, when you title a show, “Secret Diary of a Call Girl,” the cat’s out of the bag. Airs Mondays at 10:30 p.m.

Unfortunately, “Swingtown,” about a group of ’70s suburbanite swingers, (including a porn-stached Grant Show of “Melrose Place”) is airing on CBS (Thursdays at 10 p.m.) and not somewhere like Showtime, ’cause then we’d get to see all their naughty bits – what a waste of flesh.

Tell me if this premise rings familiar: two friends compete to see who can drive the most loads. One says he can get more loads than the other, and another says he’ll carry the heaviest load ever. While it does reek of gay porn it’s actually the basis for The History Channel show “Ice Road Truckers,” which airs Sundays at 9 p.m. So exactly what is “The Middleman,” Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC Family, about then?

All I can say about “The Baby Borrowers,” about teens paired with real-life babies to see if they have the chops for parenthood, is: maybe they should focus on borrowing condoms instead – I’m just sayin’. Airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m.

Rather than slathering on some SPF this summer, coat your TV with any high grade pharmaceutical brand of cream. “I Love Money” features cast offs from “Rock of Love,” “Flavor of Love,” and “I Love New York,” on July 6. It’s a good thing “Love” is in the title, so the core demographic doesn’t get confused – phew!

And wouldn’t you know it? Miss York (I am assuming that’s on her birth certificate) will be featured in “New York Goes to Hollywood,” beginning Aug. 4. Los Angeles you have been warned!

Someone else getting her own spin off is Brooke Hogan in “Brooke Hogan Knows Best,” – among her family that ain’t sayin’ much, ok? Beginning July 13 at 10 p.m., see Brooke visit brother Nick in jail, Mom Linda schtuping her 19-year-old classmate, and father Hulk practicing his technically challenging “American Gladiators” intros.

“Luke’s Parental Advisory” follows Luther “Luke” Campbell of 2 Live Crew fame. I wonder if part of the “Parental Advisory” forbids Luke’s kids to listen to the unedited version of “Me So Horny.” Hope so, ’cause it’s filthy! Airs Aug. 4.

Looks like “I Want to Work for Diddy,” also airing on Aug. 4, could have been renamed “I Want to Work for Daddy,” as Sean Combs was rumored to have changed his name to Puff Daddy … again! The “Daddy” angle would have been picked up by Bravo or LOGO, with a few small changes – I wonder how Puffster would have felt about wearing a harness?

Self proclaimed “Glam God” Vivica A. Fox (remember how stunning she looked at her last major red carpet event? Yeah, neither do I!), will put stylists through their paces to see if they can cut it as celebrity stylists – so I take it they won’t be working on her. Airs Aug. 21.

Thanks, VH-1, for making me believe that you can actually put on a show that isn’t a spin off of a spin off (ad infinitum). “The Cho Show” will air on Aug. 21, and puts funny lady Margaret Cho into funny situations revolving around her real life.

Cho’s show may draw comparisons to “Kathy Griffin: My Life on The D-List.” But, as Griffin enters her fourth season an Emmy winner, she also has her eye on a Grammy, with the recent release of her CD, For Your Consideration. Griffin also ups the gay quotient of her show (didn’t know that was possible) by performing on an all-gay flight from San Francisco to Sydney. Dang, that’s a long trip! I bet they didn’t have to pass out salty nuts on that plane. Airs Thursdays at 10 p.m. on Bravo.

“Flipping Out” is back for a second season every Tuesday at 10 p.m. And no, Bravo has not replaced OCD realtor Jeff Lewis with recent “A-List Award” recipient, the nonsensically “sleep deprived” Lauren Hutton.

Something else that has die-hard gay Bravo junkies flipping out is the return of “Project Runway” on July 16.

Apparently we gays love musicals – show of jazz hands!

And for all of you in that category, check out “High School Musical: Summer Session,” hosted by Nick Lachey on ABC on July 21. And there’s the already-in-progress, “Legally Blonde The Musical: The Search For Elle Woods,” on MTV Mondays at 10 p.m. I wonder if host Hayley Duff had any gentlemen try out.

“The Mole” had a gay contestant, Bobby, who was “executed” off the show – he probably got confused on the concept of the show, and thought they were tracking down whatever happened to Madonna’s mole. Airs Monday at 10 p.m.

Eight years after it struck a chord in the community, “Sordid Lives: The Series” hits the small screen on LOGO July 23, and features many of the original cast members, including Leslie Jordan and Olivia Newton-John (missing is Delta Burke with Caroline Rhea stepping into her shoes as Noleta). And since this is a prequel to the film, the family matriarch will be played by Rue McClanahan. Spell it along with me: G-A-Y.

Oh, “Celebrity Circus,” how I take umbrage with your title for a show featuring Antonio Sabato, Jr., Christopher “Peter Brady” Knight, Stacey Dash and Rachel Hunter. I swear with the way the term “star” and “celebrity” gets put into shows without any stars or celebrities starring is beyond me. I’ll just wait for “Tap Dancing with the Train Wrecks” to go into production and then I’ll be satiated. Airing on Wednesdays at 9:30 p.m., the show is hosted by Joey Fat-one of *NSYNC. Oh, it’s pronounced Fah-tone? I always thought that it was the other way! How embarrassing … for him.

The unstoppable former boy bander is also serving as host of “The Singing Office,” where he and Scary Spice Mel B suss out talent from the water cooler set June 29 on TLC. What exactly are we learning on this channel?

TLC also has former “Blossom” go-to-whoa guy Joey Lawrence hosting “Master of Dance,” and in a judging competition twist, the panel will be made up of three judges! Three … that’s just plain crazy! Points off for originality – but it does garner a few points for tracking down M.I.A. Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo “star” Lucinda Dickey. It makes me want to pop and lock Mondays at 8 p.m.! Or, I’ll be doing laundry.

On a good lot of these shows, I can’t believe I used up precious DVR space in “researching” this column. It’s almost like the cosmos are trying to force me to go outside or something, and it is very hard to de-root a couch potato once the cushions have formed around his ass. Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print!