“The marriage of two derogatory terms, fag and hag, symbolizing the union of the world’s most popular objects of scorn, homosexual and woman, creates a moniker that most of those who wear it find inoffensive, possibly because it smacks of solidarity. … No woman wants to be thought of as a ‘hag’ … [and] most of the homosexuals I know bristle at the word ‘fag.’ … But when you put these two words together, they seem to cancel each other out. The pain vanishes, and, as you know, bees without sting offer only pure honey.”

Margaret Cho, from her book I’m the One That I Want

Yes, this article is about the special, unavoidable and often joked-about friendship between a gay man and a straight woman. The kind of friendship that stretches beyond gender or gender orientation, beyond labeling, beyond stereotyping – or at least one would hope so. But I still have to say it: This article is about, well, fag hags. OK. I said it. I’ve written it. It’s out. It’s on the page. Those two words. And similar to what Ms. Cho says above, the term (or moniker) has both its supporters and its detractors.

Believe me, before writing this article I had never used the word “fag” so much in my life. And, trust me, this is coming from a guy who used to hear that word often on the playground (that is, until my voice changed, I grew taller and I became the strapping, studly gay guy that I am today). As I contacted women for interviews, I would cringe each time I had to say the words “fag hag.” So while writing this article I began to invent other words and acronyms that I could use in its place. In my research, though, I did uncover other, lesser known or less popular terms for fag hag: queer dearies and fruit fly, for example. But queer dearie sounds like something my grandmother would say when she accidentally spilled her tea (“Oh! Queer dearie!”) and fruit fly sounds like something you would swat at because it’s annoying you (not to mention, doesn’t a fruit fly damage the fruit?).

While no one I talked to for this article had any major problems with the term fag hag, most agreed that it just didn’t seem to fit their particular relationship with their, well, fag. Or that it was an outdated term.

In addition, there are now more variations of the fag hag; straight men who hang out with gay guys are called fag stags. Straight men who hang out with lesbians are known as lesbros. Gay men who hang out with lesbians are dyke divas. I’m not sure what the term is for straight women who hang out with lesbians or lesbians who hang out with gay men. But I digress.

Anyway, you may have some of your own versions of the term fag hag, but here are a few more politically correct terms and acronyms that I came up with.

• G-FOGGs: Girl Friends of Gay Guys

• G-FONS: Girl Friends Only – No Sex

• WHOSH: Women Who Only Seek Homosexuals (for friends)

• SWAGs: Straight Women and Gays

• MS. GAP: My Straight Gal Pal

And, of course, one could always just abbreviate fag hag: FH.

So, to keep from having to type the word fag (as well as the word hag), I’m going to use the above abbreviation (FH) for the duration of the article.

While I’d like to be able to report that FHs have been around since prehistoric times, or at least since Cleopatra’s reign, I have no real evidence for this. Though it does seem pretty likely that someone as glamorous as Cleopatra – who bedded the likes of Mark Antony and Caesar, not to mention invented Egyptian eyeliner (or was that Barbra Streisand?) – probably had an entourage of gay men surrounding her. Aren’t there drawings on the walls of tombs to support this?

Instead I have to turn to literature and the arts for my examples (I am a writer, after all).

Truman Capote’s lifelong friend (they had been neighbors as children) and occasional assistant was a straight woman – Harper Lee, author of To Kill a Mockingbird.

British writer and critic Lytton Strachey’s closest friend was painter Dora Carrington. According to wikipedia.com, she loved him, but Strachey was much more interested in her hunky husband, Ralph Partridge. (There is a great film, Carrington, starring Emma Thompson and Jonathan Pryce as Carrington and Strachey).

And, of course, this wouldn’t be an article about FHs without a mention of Hollywood – the source of all things gay. I could probably spend the entire article writing about the straight women in Hollywood and their gay pals, but here is just a sample:

Obviously I need to start with Judy Garland. She was not only notorious for her friendships with gay men, but she apparently married a couple of them. Garland’s legacy includes the connection with the Stonewall Riots, which sparked the gay liberation movement, but also the term, “friend of Dorothy,” which is slang for a gay man.

Liza Minnelli – basically apply the above to Liza (the friendships, the marriages), but subtract the Stonewall Riots.

Liz Taylor has long been a supporter and friend of gay men, including two of her closest friends, Montgomery Clift and Rock Hudson. As a result of Hudson’s disclosure that he had AIDS, Taylor helped start the American Foundation for AIDS Research (AMFAR).

Debbie Reynolds and her daughter, Princess Leia/Carrie Fisher, are known FHs. In 2000, Reynolds told TheaterMania magazine about Hollywood in the 1950s: “[A]lmost all of my dates in those days were gay men. I preferred them because they were so polite; I never knew that they couldn’t have cared less, that they all had boyfriends at home! We were required to go to premieres and parties, and those guys were always the best dancers and the most gentlemanly. Through the years, so many of my pals have been gay. Wonderful, loving people.”

Add to this list Joan Crawford, Betty Grable (the pinup star often accompanied her gay pals to underground gay bars) and Shirley MacLaine, among many others.

Current torch-bearing FHs include longtime members Madonna, Margaret Cho and Tori Spelling (who has a gay best friend on her reality-spoofing TV show on VH1).

On that note, the depiction of FHs in movies and especially TV shows has increased tremendously over the last decade: Alicia Silverstone’s crush and eventual buddy in the oft-quoted gay classic Clueless; Jennifer Aniston’s roommate in The Object of My Affection; Julia Roberts’ wedding date, the suave Rupert Everett, in My Best Friend’s Wedding; and, of course, “Will & Grace,” which just ended a highly successful eight-year run – Grace and Karen being the indefatigable FHs to Will and Jack. (Ironically, if you go to the wikipedia.com entry on fag hags, there is a picture of the cast of “Will & Grace.”)

I suppose my own experience with FHs began in high school. Truthfully, I never really felt that I had an official FH (so, in other words, I’m accepting applications), though certainly I hung out with my share of girls and young women. I wasn’t out in high school, at least not to myself, but I did have one female friend, Sloane, a lanky, spunky cheerleader and dancer who I spent the bulk of my time with. I have fond memories of the two of us in our local community theater plays, making homecoming floats in her garage, campaigning together for student government, and watching and re-watching the movie A Chorus Line. I remember her asking me one time, “Why aren’t we going out?” and I didn’t have the answer. Ten years later I visited her in San Francisco, where she had moved, and after I unnecessarily and awkwardly came out to her, she said she had pretty much figured it out in high school. “You never tried to kiss me,” she said.

I think an attraction to Sloane was there, yes, but I didn’t know what to make of it, and it didn’t seem like the kind of attraction that I felt for guys. (You have to remember that this was before “Will & Grace”). I just knew that we had a connection, a bond that told me I could be myself around her (well, as much as I could without actually coming out).

Painter Amy Dagman’s first gay male friend was in college, though it’s her friendship with Tim, whom she met when they both worked in a local San Diego bookstore, that has the most resonance for her.

“Tim sparkles,” she beams. “He’s creative, which I adore, and incredibly funny.”

When she says this, I’m reminded of something Dolly Parton once said: “I know lots of people who are gay. It’s natural to me. … They’re the most receptive of any audience I’ve ever had. They just always seem to have a good time. They seem to be free spirits.”

“My gay friends have always been artistic,” Amy continues. “I guess, as a painter, it’s the creative process I’m often attracted to – a connection to creativity. When I look at my gay friends over the years, most of them are artistic, sensitive types. But it goes much deeper than that. With Tim I have a deep friendship that feels safe. We can relate on the same level, that common bond, a higher sensitivity.”

Though Amy and Tim don’t go out to the bars, they do meet for coffee and lunch often.

“I’ve never been a big going-out person,” she says. “What I share with Tim are our life experiences. We talk about our day-to-day lives, our relationships, our work. He has an incredibly human side, a vulnerability that he’s not afraid or ashamed to show. From day one of our meeting, I felt I could relate to him. That’s important to me.”

And what about the term fag hag, I ask. Do you think of yourself as one? Is it a term you hear often?

“Well, I know the term and I’ve heard the term,” Amy says. “But, really, I do feel that it’s somewhat derogatory toward gay men and women. Why do we need it? We’re friends, period. It would be great for everyone to evolve to a state of non-bigotry. Terms like this wouldn’t be necessary.”

Another friend of Tim’s is Shannon Littrell (the lucky guy has two FHs!), a former editor who, sadly, is in preparations to move away from San Diego.

“I don’t personally find the term fag hag offensive, but Tim and me are just that – Tim and me,” Shannon says. “I mean, I kid about him being my gay husband [Shannon is married to a real husband], but it’s true. We’re very close, and even though I’m busy with the move, we e-mail all the time. He’s my best friend.

“Before I met Tim, the gay friends I had were also great fun, and before I was married I used to go to the bars – Rich’s and Flicks, certainly,” she continues. “But after awhile, the going out to the bars subsided. My friendship with Tim includes lots of coffee!”

Shannon agrees that one attraction women have to gay men is that gay men are often very sensitive people. According to her, gay men really listen to women, and you don’t usually get that from straight male friends.

When I ask Shannon what else it is that she gets from her relationship with Tim, she confides, “I’m able to enjoy things with him that straight men might not have interests in.”

For example, recently she and Tim went to see Basic Instinct 2. (Did I mention that Sharon Stone is also considered an FH?) And during our conversation she also references Valley of the Dolls and the TV show “Dynasty.” I tell her that just those two gay references alone prove that Tim has had a remarkable influence on her life.

“It’s funny,” she adds, “I started dating my husband when Tim and I started our friendship. And we’ve all spent an enormous amount of time together. My husband now is so used to us that even he gets the references to ‘Melrose Place.’”

“What are you going to do when you’ve moved away from San Diego?” I ask.

“There won’t be that much of a separation,” she says. “We don’t see each other as much now, but I still talk to him all the time. I can’t imagine not talking to him, not being in each other’s lives. If it’s been a few days since we’ve talked, I write down a list of things that have happened since the last time we spoke and I bring them up when we talk.

“Really, he’s my best friend,” she continues. “I’ve had straight girlfriends, but it’s never the same bond. [Tim and I] can talk about anything – happy things, upsetting things. We’ve been through a lot together. We click and it just works.”

Norine first became an FH when she met Rolando in sixth grade.

“We even dated for a week,” Norine says. “But then I went to a different high school so, though we kept in touch, we didn’t really start hanging out as much until after we graduated.”

This is where the story gets interesting. In 1992, Norine began dating Mickey, and they eventually became engaged. Long story short: After four years together, the engagement didn’t work out and they broke up.

Cut to 1999, and Rolando calls Norine, inviting her to go to Pride with him and his new “friend.” When Rolando arrives at her door, who should be standing by his side but Norine’s ex-fiancé, Mickey.

“I hadn’t talked to him in three years and here he was, with my gay best friend from high school,” she says with a laugh. “So we went out and had a great day.”

All was forgiven, she says. What’s past is past. She’s just glad Mickey’s happy – and he’s with one of her closest friends in the world. Who wouldn’t be happy about that?

“Though Mickey does apologize about it all the time!” she giggles. “Especially when he’s drunk. He tells me, you know, ‘If I liked girls, I would be with you!’”

How could you be angry at a sentiment like that?

There’s more to their story, however. The same year she found out about Mickey and Rolando, they all moved in together – one big, happy family!

“Well, in ’99 Rolando and I were looking for an apartment anyway, and then Mickey got fired from his job so we all decided to move in ‘as friends’ – oh, wait,” she exclaims, “I got ahead of myself. When Mickey came out to me, he and Rolando were just ‘friends.’ But when we all decided to move in together, they disclosed that they were ‘a couple now.’”

So Norine moved in with her ex-boyfriend and her gay best friend.

“My relationship with Rolando and Mickey is not normal by any means; a lot of people don’t get it,” she says. “They say, ‘But how can you be comfortable with that situation, living with someone you were once going to marry and see him with a man?’ I guess I don’t really know how I do it. I’m just thankful to have two friends that are so dear to me who have found love with each other. True friends are hard to come by – gay, straight, it doesn’t matter as long as they are there when you need them, and my boys always are.”

Does it ever get difficult, I ask, the three of you living in one house?

“Not really,” Norine says. “We’ve actually never gotten into a fight. Well, not a real fight anyway. Nothing more than something about paying a bill, or something simple like that. But everyone says ‘you’re Grace.’ You know, from ‘Will & Grace.’ I’m Grace, but with two Wills!”

But what is it about gay guys, or at least these two Wills in particular, that she’s so attracted to?

“They’re honest with me,” Norine says. “Gay guys will always tell you the truth about how you look. They’re free spirits. And they love me! I’m not afraid to say anything to anyone. Oh, plus I have big boobs. And men, whatever their orientation, are infatuated with boobs!”

Similar to Shannon, Norine recently had to leave her gay boys behind when she moved to Hawaii for work.

“It’s so hard for me, being away from them,” she tells me over the phone. “I’m always alone now!”

“Are you looking for a new gay pal?” I ask. “And how does one go about doing that?”

“You can never replace my boys,” she says. “But, hey, if there was a cool gay guy here for me to hang out with I would certainly love it.”

A few weeks ago, Norine even went by herself to Hula’s, a gay bar in Waikiki, to try to meet gay men.

“I was looking fabulous,” she exclaims, “And I felt like I was at home – in the environment anyway. But it was difficult to meet people. People were actually saying to me, ‘Why are you here?’ How do you explain that you’re here looking to meet your next gay best guy friend?”

I decided I needed to get out and do some actual on-the-street research, to see some FHs in action, so I went to Hamburger Mary’s recently to see if I could find any to interview.

One acquaintance of mine actually brings his mother to gay bars regularly. And not just family-friendly, theme-park-like bars such as Mary’s or its Mexican sister, Baja Betty’s. I’ve actually encountered his mother at The Hole and Pecs. I was hoping to see this acquaintance and his gay-friendly mom out, but unfortunately they weren’t. In fact, it was a pretty slow night (a weeknight), but still I kept my eyes peeled.

Soon enough, while nursing my $2.50 beer (the monthly special – we writers don’t make enough to buy the good stuff), I spy two well-dressed, pretty young women talking to a young, well-dressed, dark-haired (gelled immaculately) gentleman and I make a beeline for them.

The gay guy is Danny, and his two female friends are Rachel and Gio. The three of them work at Union Bank in La Mesa, which is where they met. I ask them what the appeal is, coming to a gay bar, hanging out with gay guys.

Rachel, the tall, pretty blonde friend, puts it bluntly: “Gay men are more open. Straight girls are bitches!”

And Gio, a petite and striking Italian woman with a mane of curly locks, adds: “I feel more comfortable hanging out with gay men. With them, I don’t have to worry about what they’re thinking. Are they cruising me? What are their motives?”

And when I ask Danny what he gets out of hanging out with straight women, he states: “There’s less drama with straight girls. Well, sometimes. But straight girls are very sociable and open-minded. They accept everything about me, regardless.”

In the book Straight Women/Gay Men: A Special Relationship, author John Williams Malone relates the phenomenon of FHs to the commonalities shared between women and gay men. When the gay rights movement was taking flight, it was during the height of the women’s movement. Both groups were fighting for understanding, and therefore both groups still feel a connection through the movements and a connection through their struggles, Malone states.

Both Rachel and Gio have known other gay people aside from Danny, including friends and family members.

When I ask them if they prefer gay bars to straight bars, Rachel tells me: “There’s no comparison. Going to a gay bar is better for socializing, talking with friends. It’s hard to do that in a straight bar. And not only that, but in a straight bar the ratio of men to women is usually so high. With more guys to girls, there is more pressure – and tension. But in a gay bar, even though the ratio of men to women is also high, there’s no pressure. I don’t feel that I’m being judged or picked up on relentlessly.”

Adds Gio: “The last time I was here [at Mary’s], a guy kept smiling at me and I was a little thrown off by it because usually when that happens at a straight bar the guy might try to come on to me or pursue me. This guy who was smiling at me was gay, and finally he came over and said hi and that he thought we all looked really fun and cool. He just wanted to say that.”

I look around the bar – which has, surprisingly, picked up for a Wednesday night – and there are, in fact, several more women who could be straight, flanking their gay male friends. (I say they could be straight because certainly I don’t want to assume anything. Though they are carrying purses. And, as my lesbian friend Sandi has told me numerous times, you can tell who the lesbians are in a bar because they don’t carry purses).

What I do notice, however, is the camaraderie, the closeness, the adoration, the connection, the respect – things that I’ve discovered through my interviews, research and discussion with friends, both gay and straight, male and female – emanating from the women. And these are characteristics that do (or should, anyway) define all friendships, regardless of sexual orientation.

by Abby Schwartz and Lauren Rille

Everyone knows Margaret Cho, Kathy Griffin and Grace Adler made “fag hag” a household name. So, as a couple of best friends (one queer, one straight), we couldn’t help but ask the question: Who is representin’ for the straight chicks who hang out with lesbians? How come they don’t have a cute, funny label of their own?

Now, before we go any further, we’d like to establish this disclaimer: Just because a straight girl hangs out with a bunch of lesbos does not mean she’s a lesbian in training. Straights can be open minded too.

So with that in mind, we brainstormed with a bunch of friends – some gay, some straight – in search of the perfect euphemism for this special breed of straight girl. Here’s what we’ve come up with so far:

L-Bird: A clear play on Showtime’s “The L Word,” and “bird” is also the term Brits use for “girl.” It’s cute, but is it catchy enough?

Lady Bug: A nice parallel to the fag-hag term “fruit fly.” We like that’s it’s sweet and feminine.

Single & Looking: Isn’t this one obvious?

Cock-Blocker: A positive spin on an old label. The new cock-blocker? The straight girl who intercepts the advances of straight men (especially if it means a round of free drinks).

Dyke-Liker: Kinda’ vulgar, but catchy. We admit, we think this one is hilarious.

Pride-Kick: Plays on “sidekick,” but with extra gay flavor.

Bosom Buddy: Also a new spin on an old label, and it speaks of one thing straight and gay girls always have in common.

Lesbro or Lezbro: A special label for the boys who hang out with lesbians. It’s too cute not to be included.

So here’s our charge to you, dear readers: Send in your best euphemism, or vote on one of the above, by e-mailing editor@uptownpub.com. Solve this problem, label the straight girl and put an end to this identity crisis! Do it well and there’s a round of faggotinis at Mary’s in it for you and your (insert new label here) on us. Bring it!